Could do with more work... | Script Revolution

Could do with more work...

What I Loved: 

As I read from the disclaimer, you upload drafts and that this script and probably other scripts, your stories are unfinished. This one seems to require more work.

It's a nice idea to look for something buried that I guess would help his child. But I'm not sure if this was the aim of the story. I would switch up the idea, remove the seeds part. And perhaps think of a debt scenario. Especially in this day and age with evictions. A chest of diamonds would save the day.

To add more tension. The d-day for eviction from a court order. And the worried wife pressing the husband to do something more productive.

Just my two cents.

What I'd Love To See: 

I'm going to use this section for queries or corrections.

First paragraph contains options of grass, sand or rocks. I'd stick with one. As it's called Coastline, I'd go with sand. As I read further it says, '...step up to a grass area'. So the previous option of grass wouldn't work. Stepping from grass to grass seems weird.

I don't know about metal detectors. But is there such a thing as a pen-sized metal detector?

The Sandra part on page one. Is that seen on a viewer? Or smartphone?

Page 2, I see what you're doing with your brackets. They're like your notes intertwined with the story. If possible, this should be on a scratchpad on your writing software if possible.

Suggest removing the falls backwards and looks at the sky part on page 3. Distracts from the story. I get it he's relieved. But doesn't flow right to me.

The ending is a bit of a puzzle. I assume the seeds may be some sort of medicine plant for his sick child?

And it's also strange seeds would be found within the chest that also contains diamonds. Three hundred years ago I wouldn't have thought the people back then would place that much importance on seeds.

I'd also change the guy's name from dude.

sendnudes