Fast paced and fun | Script Revolution

Fast paced and fun

Script: 
What I Loved: 

I really liked the pace and page count. The writing style is clean and doesn't get bogged down in heavy description or dialog passages. I liked the comedic tone and the jokes were not forced and seemed organic to the conversations and the protagonist's wit. It was a quick read and I did find myself wondering what would happen next and it is not easy for a writer to keep the reader in suspense. Good job on all of that.

What I'd Love To See: 

On page 69, "the airplane from earlier" is mentioned. I don't remember seeing an earlier mention. If it was there, it didn't track with me.

On page 71, Jack Steele shows up. It's a nice payoff to an earlier mention of him, but I found his jumping out of the plane and delivering his line a bit farcical in regards to the tone of the rest of the action/comedy script. I also thought he would be more integral to the plot or explained more.

The use of "Rural Area" as a location name seemed vague to me. I think I see where you were going with that - a riff on a cliche, maybe - and I can appreciate that. It threw me a bit ever time I read it, though. Maybe a specific made up name that was funny might work in the same comedic way as you did with the desert scene: Bumfuck, U.S.A.

On page 73, where he loses it and bites the guy's nose off and kills him, it seemed too far out of character. I get that he's had enough, seen too much, is tired of running, but that just seemed out of character for this likable dude who's just trying to get through all of this crazy stuff alive.

On page 74, why does the truck now look like a Jackson Pollock painting? I assume it implies he's been through hell getting there?

If Quinn is the Dirty Boy, why did he get killed so easily? If he has the chops to steal a nuclear warhead, stockpile arms, and elude bad guys for years, how can he be so easily killed by the neo-Nazis?

The ending was definitely a surprise. Again, this seemed tonally off to me. When Michelle hits him with the car and it smashes his face in, I'm thinking, how's he walking away from this? He doesn't. It was very abrupt and I didn't feel like the story was over yet. There's this likable, wisecracking dude who goes through this whole adventure to the very end and then unceremoniously gets splattered with a car. I liked this character and was rooting for him to pull through. Screw those Nazi bastards!

Having said all of this, I liked the script and the characters. You've definitely got writing skill and what I have to say is just one person's opinion. I write comedies too and I appreciate you putting your work out there to be read. It helps me with my writing. Thank you.

sendnudes