Great characters, vivid writing, crisp dialogue | Script Revolution

Great characters, vivid writing, crisp dialogue

Script: 
What I Loved: 

The characters are three dimensional and pop right off the page, which is an element in writing that can be learnt but not taught. Gosh-damn all the characters pop off the page, truck drivers, waitresses, etc, etc, etc & of course your leads.

The dialogue pops off the page I felt like I'm eavesdropping on real conversations.

You have a great gift at making the reader feel uncomfortable, so many times I wanted Sloan to put the breaks on her addictive damaged behavior.

Before I move to what I'd like to see, I want to say this - I think you have serious talent! I rarely read something from a writer who has yet to get their big break (I apologize if you have already landed your big break) and I read each page thinking this is a writer that will likely make it, and I think you will make it.

What I'd Love To See: 

I'd like to see the locations change more, the whole on the bus, another hotel room, another trick, became predictable. Don't get me wrong I love a lot that happens on the bus and the motel rooms, but I want to see Sloan and Kelby in different environments. Like when they went to the diner that was crackling with life.

I feel the flashbacks to their father Joseph should happen less. Truthfully that first flashbacks where he OD's their mother makes it clear how horrible of a human being he is. Seriously he is in my opinion unredeemable. So wanted him to be alive so that K&S could seek revenge, and then Kelby and Sloan somehow get Joseph to kill himself. Having you ever considered having it be that their aunt who has died and left money for them in her will and they are forced to confront Joseph at the funeral? Just spitballing.

The conclusion with burning down the house and finding the will felt too easy... The church also felt like an easy way to wrap up the story. I'm sure you have heard this, but if you have any issues with your third act, look back to the first act set up.

My biggest thing here is I want to see how Sloan and Kelby change as they face adversity. I really loved Kelby and Sloan, I knew who they were probably by page ten, I was rooting for them, and I so craved to see them slowly change, but to me they stayed basically the same until the coda at the support group setting, which was a letdown, as whatever change that happened to them happened off camera outside the immediate story.

I hope my comments are of some use. If not, just remember I am only an opinion of one, writing down his thoughts at 1AM.

Keep writing,
JB