Liked the tone | Script Revolution

Liked the tone

What I Loved: 

I write comedies, so I appreciate the funny tone of the script. There was some good bantering back and forth between the guys. I liked the dynamics of guy falling for someone who is out of his social status. Nice reversal of fortune with him finding the jewelry. It was also nice that he actually got to keep the money - if he wanted to. Only 90 pages makes it a quick read too.

What I'd Love To See: 

I would have liked to have seen a more developed screenplay in places, act 3 especially. When he confesses to Wendy, I thought she would break up with him and he would be devastated and would have to work to get her back: boy gets girl/boy loses girl/boy gets girl back again. It was too conveniently wrapped up. I think there was a missed opportunity for some more conflict and a more realistic relationship dynamic. Not that this is a big deal, but I don't think someone would let a grimy garbage man walk through their house to get to the back yard. It seemed like you were trying to find a way to get him into the house - and I can appreciate that - but it seemed forced to me. Also, Wendy was so mean to him throughout most of the script that I don't see how he would fall in love with her. Maybe he could lust after her if he found her attractive. She just seemed pretty unlikable until after she was broke. I don't think I could fall for somebody who was that mean and condescending whether they changed later or not.

Having said all of that, thanks for putting your script out there to be read. Your writing reminds me of my own in a lot of ways and I offer these thoughts respectfully. I struggle with the same issues so it's easy to spot them in other's work.

Comments

Vic Burns's picture

Why thank you Denny - all feedbackis appreciated. Yeah, I'm kinda thinking for a while that act 3 needs a recharge.

Jay.

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