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Logline feedback

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John Alen's picture
Rockstar
Joined: Jan 2022
Logline feedback

Hi everyone.

I'd like some feedback on the logline for my feature screenplay Shotgun Ballad.

Logline: A thrill-seeking criminal being hunted by a team of elite bounty hunters reconnects with a former love to plan a daring robbery and buy their way out of the country.

Appreciate the help!

Lily Blaze's picture
Rockstar
Joined: Aug 2019

I think you'd done a good job of summing up as much as possible in a few words. What I don't see is a reason why someone should care. I'm not being mean, just showing things from the other side.

What inspired you to write the script?

What stands in the way of these characters from achieving their goals?

Why are you the writer of this story and not someone else?

Loglines are misunderstood creatures online. It's not about word count. It's about connecting with the person who cares about your story for the same reason you care.

I managed to get a production company to accept my feature script in their reading pile. I wrote, "I have a feature script and I would like to share my story." I proceeded to share my story (the inspiration behind the script), briefly, in an email. That was it.

Andrea Zastrow's picture
Rockstar
Joined: Mar 2021

Everything I've read indicates execs/readers DO make snap decisions based on loglines alone, so it's prudent to take the time to craft an effective one.  It's a good idea to include the inspiration behind it in the query/pitch.  

Maybe include what the criminal is wanted for?  Is it for robbery or does the criminal only resort to robbery to escape the country? Is he a "thrill-seeking bank robber"? A "thrill-seeking embezzler"?  A "thrill-seeking counterfeiter"? 

As it stands, I'd remove the word "being."  That's all I've got.  Good luck!

Phillip D Breske's picture
Rockstar
Joined: Feb 2022

I would delete the entire part about the elite bounty hunters. He's a criminal, so we know there is probably someone after him. There always is. And aren't most movie criminals "thrill-seekers?" Maybe add something about his less-obvious personality and a little about the former love.

"A [terminally-ill; stoner; disavowed CIA; etc] criminal on the run with his ex-wife plans a daring robbery that may allow him to buy their freedom."

A. S. Templeton's picture
Rockstar
Joined: Aug 2021

CJ Walley's picture
Verified
Joined: Jul 2016

In my opinion, this is an excellent logline. Just the kind of thing indie filmmakers are looking for as it sounds quite sexy and exciting.

Perhaps the motive is a little buried. Took me a few reads to get it. It needs to be clear that this robbery is a last resort for the heroes.

A thrill-seeking criminal with bounty hunters on his tail must buy his way out of the country by completing a daring robbery with the help of a former lover.

sendnudes