The Trials and Tribulations of the Serial Monogamist

TONE:
The Trials and Tribulations of the Serial Monogamist is an elevated broad comedy. If We’re the Millers, Horrible Bosses, and any Farrelly Brothers movie had an orgy themed “love”, this script would be forever wondering who its real father was.

SYNOPSIS:
This is a movie about self love, and not the one-handed kind of self love during Sex & the City reruns. Instead, it’s about the adage, “love oneself to love others”. This is also a movie about avoidance: rebounding to avoid grief, and, avoiding intimacy for fear of vulnerability. The processing of pain can manifest itself through avoidance, and this script tackles this with the vigor of a bachelorette party pounding shots at last call. It’s loud, whacky, crude, but usually very pointed for a drunk person.

Levi (25) epitomizes avoidance via rebound. Our hapless idiot protagonist gets dumped and is already fixated on moving on. Seth (30), avoidance by isolation, urges him to stay single. No second dates; bang hotties and simply fucking heal.

Levi really doesn’t want to hear this advice, and is deeply torn between a new pain-free beginning, or Seth’s suggested path. Being alone is about as much fun as watching paint dry though, and Levi isn’t the love ‘em and leave ‘em type. Hell, Seth even lectures about Levi’s preconceived notions about women and NSA sex. It turns out women like sex, too. Well, good sex, so maybe Levi’s fucked either way. Or not. Let’s move on.
Either way, Levi meets Brianna (27), and falls head over heels in love, faster than you can say “Oh God Damnit!” When he tells Bri this on one of their first dates, she cautions him as well. Love is a serious endeavour to her; he needs to really get that. No worries, he loves her! Yup. So, she injects him with a needle, one containing a fatal virus. You know, ‘cause she loves him too.

Turns out Bri is desperately lonely, and will do ANYTHING to preserve love and remain with her lover. Avoidance by imitation.

That changed the game. Suddenly Levi’s not nearly as in-love as he thought he was. Armed with a daily antidote, Levi tries to figure out what this virus is. Hell, maybe it’s nothing. It can’t be real. A doctor finds nothing, so Levi throws away the pills and labels this a close call. Until he nearly dies and Bri nurses him to health. Also, she moves them in together. She’s proactive like that. A real go-getter from Hell.

Levi realizes he has two goals: find a way to cure himself, and don’t let Brianna catch on. How hard could that be? After getting nowhere with medical professionals, and alternative medicine being about as useful to him as trying to play fetch with your pet fish, Levi finds Amy (22). Avoidance through denial.
Amy is a bio-med student, studying exactly the symptoms Levi describes. Levi meets her, and she flat out says NO. A few attempts to sway her lead nowhere, and shit gets worse when Bri confronts Levi for never being around. His love isn’t real, and she knows an oncoming breakup when she sees one. He might as well leave now, and go die in a hole somewhere without her and the antidote. So much for Levi’s second objective. Brianna caught on. Caught off guard, Levi does the only thing he can in the moment. He drops to one knee, and proposes.

Joke’s on him, Brianna’s ultimate wedding was planned long before she ever knew him. The next morning, she hands him their invites for a wedding NEXT WEEK. That’s fast, even by Levi’s standards. He burns them, but Bri immediately sends out digital copies.

Desperate, Levi realizes Brianna has a sister who may be able to help him: Molly (30), who loves herself as is, and has no avoidance issues. She helps Levi find a copy of Bri’s virus, so he can convince Amy his plight is in fact real, so that she can cure him. She is convinced, largely due to our B-story, where Seth admits he has feelings for her, and finally realizes the value of actually dating.

As Seth collects blood samples, nobody realizes Brianna is watching. She’s onto them. She implements two counter measures: she burns down the University Lab, and she locks Levi in a male chastity belt, digitally timed to unlock after they are married. Checkmate.

Except Levi finds where she keeps all the antidote pills. As soon as he’s unlocked, (and married), he leaves her. She produces a handgun in the process, because after all, it’s ‘Till Death do us Part. It goes off, but we don’t see it.

Nobody dies. That’d be a bummer. Brianna gets arrested, and is oddly pleased to spend her next twenty years with a cell-mate. She won’t be lonely! Levi vacations, grieves alone, and heals properly. He even gets a chance to rebound, and declines it. He’s a new man, and romantic love can wait another day.