Tony's Smokehouse Crematorium by Tom Stohlgren | Script Revolution

Tony's Smokehouse Crematorium



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When four college students open a discount drive-thru crematorium, they make fast friends with a hitman, but overnight enemies of the angry newly-cremated spirits.

JAMAL CURRY (20s), a handsome African-American opens a drive-thru crematorium, offering fast and cheap cremations. The building, previously a Gold’s Fish & Chips then a Mignon’s Smokehouse Restaurant, is in a battle zone of fast-food chains. Jamal leases a fast-acting cremation furnace, and employs three oddball friends: TONY RUGGIERO (20s), a wise-cracking Italian; KELLI MATTHEWS (20s), Tony’s heavily tattooed ex-girlfriend; and HUAN LI (20s), a Chinese-American business major, who Jamal has a crush on. They’re all in for the night of their lives.

Their three bodies on their Grand Opening include: MR. WILSON (50s), a non-violent man who was run over twice; MRS. BARBIE MIGNON (50s), a previous third-grade teacher and wife of the previous owner of the Smokehouse chain, “PHILLY” MIGNON (50s); and Mr. BARRY GOLD (60s), the previous owner of Gold’s Fish & Chips chain. Mr. Gold, AKA the Codfather, smothered Mrs. Mignon, and is one of two people who ran over Mr. Wilson.

After two cremations, the group is visited by the CHURCH LADY (50s), a hitman disguised in women’s clothing. The Church Lady is up to his neck in murders, but remains well hidden at St. Theresa’s Our Lady of Perpetual Guilt Catholic Church.

The drive-thru viewings and cremations don’t go as planned, as the “newly-cremated” return as angry spirits, who the workers can see. The workers also feel the wooden ruler used by Mrs. Mignon. Customer complaints mount, drawing a visit from the coroner, DR. REUBEN RAMOS (50s), who can’t see the angry spirits, but who is smitten with the Church Lady. When Mr. Gold’s angry spirit emerges from the furnace missing a shoe and swinging a baseball bat, all hell breaks out. The staff fear for their lives, but the place is surrounded by well-armed fish-lovers and beef-lovers, who want their restaurants back. Furthermore, the angry spirits will only disappear when their remains are picked up by loved ones the following morning.

Laughter, fear, and chaos reign overnight in the crematorium with three newly-cremated spirits running amok. Finally, several murderers are exposed, and attempted murders are prevented. The surf versus turf war ends with Mr. Gold’s “burial at sea,” as Jamal and Huan flush his remains down the toilet. The Church Lady finally falls for Dr. Ramos, retires as a hitman, and leaving the job to Kelli. Jamal and Huan find love, but Tony is shot accidentally, once by Kelli, then a dozen times by the fast-food mobs surrounding the drive-thru. No worries! Tony’s newly-cremated spirit appears as an Elvis impersonator at Jamal’s new drive-thru wedding chapel. Their first customers are the Church Lady and Dr. Ramos married to the tune of Elvis Presley’s “All Shook Up.”

Submitted: February 10, 2020
Last Updated: February 10, 2020

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The Writer: Tom Stohlgren

By day, Tom Stohlgren is a Senior Research Scientist at the Natural Resource Ecology Laboratory, Colorado State University in Fort Collins, CO 80523, and Affiliate Faculty. He wears Hawaiian shirts every day to teach classes, advise graduate students, and conduct research part-time. He received a Ph.D. in Ecology from the University of California, Davis. Tom is recognized as one of the top ten most productive scientists in the world in the field of biological invasions. He is invited around the world to lecture. He has published over 200 scientific papers and a textbook on methods of assessing plant diversity. In his copious spare time, Dr. Stohlgren is a novelist, screenwriter, and... Go to bio
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