Cark-It | Script Revolution

Cark-It

Cark-It
Jack, a brash terminally ill pensioner and his support worker Ray are on a mission -
to plan Jack's funeral despite the fact he is still alive.

Picture Walter Matthau standing next to an array of dreadful coffins in a fluorescent-lit funeral home, contemplating his end-of-life planning. Enough said, right?

Luckily, Robert Spence found more to say in his quippy short “Cark-It,” which tells the story of Jack, a 70-year-old wise-cracking man who’s days are numbered. With just two months to live, he sets out to prepare his funeral with his much-younger support worker Ray.

INT. FUNERAL DIRECTOR’S - DAY
Jack and Ray enter a funeral director’s.

JACK
Christ, it’s dead in here.

Ray nudges Jack.

RAY
Behave.

They approach a staff member, KATE, 40s.

KATE
Good afternoon, how may I help you?

RAY
Yes, we -

Jack quickly interjects.

JACK
Let’s cut to the chase. I’m months away from certain death and my trusty
support worker is here to assist in arranging my funeral.

KATE
Okay. Do you have any idea as to what type of funeral
you would like? What type of coffin etc?

JACK
Whatever burns the quickest.

Quick is the perfect adjective for this fun, yet poignant, story we will all eventually face. The dialogue rings true, peppered with just the right amount of feelings, especially as Ray pokes for more clues to peel away the puns and uncover Jack’s past.

RAY
We’ll need to draw up a list of who you want to invite.

JACK
It’s a bloody funeral, not a wedding. You hardly do an RSVP.

RAY
Yeah, but your daughter lives in Sydney doesn’t she?

JACK
The last I heard.

RAY
Have you told her about it?

JACK
We’ve not talked in awhile.

RAY
Well have a think and let me know. It’s never too late to reach out.

JACK
Okay Mahatma Gandhi.
(beat)
I don’t get why people over complicate things like funerals.
You’re here, and you’re dead. End of. Why make a song and dance about it?

Jack and Ray’s brief relationship is a poetic song and dance, full of twirls as the story quickly steps toward a climactic, but not unexpected, twist of an ending. After Jack laments to Ray: “I feel like all I’m doing is waiting,” he decides to stop shopping for body boxes and dream bigger while he still can.

In my dream world, Mr. Matthau is still alive, Paul Rudd is cast as Ray and Mr. Spence writes another 80 pages. Until then, I guess I’ll be doing the waiting.

The Script

Cark-It

Jack, a brash terminally ill pensioner and his support worker Ray are on a mission - to plan Jack's funeral despite the fact he is still alive.

About The Reviewer

Zack Zupke's picture
Real name: 

I am a Los Angeles-based writer. With a degree in journalism, news writing and editing gave me a superb foundation for my love of story and telling it via the written word. I have written several TV specs and two TV pilots along with several features. The three featured on this site: the "The Confession" was optioned by Little Flame Films July of 2021; "Brandy" is a sitcom pilot that has placed well in several contests; and the sci-fi/thriller feature "Battle Of Wills," which placed as a...Read more

About The Writer

Robert Spence's picture
Real name: 

I'm a Scottish writer who is currently residing in Perth Australia. I received a masters in screenwriting at the Screen Academy for Scotland and love writing a variety of genres such as drama and comedy. I have a collection of feature scripts, shorts and pilot episodes for sitcoms.

Message me with any enquiries.Read more