Hard-Up Secret Agent
A dashing secret agent lets his arch-nemesis and his hench-woman in on a little secret:
he just can't score babes.

We all love James Bond. With his suave, sophisticated mannerisms and impeccable timing, he’s simply sexy - and it sells. But move over James, there’s a new super spy in town!  And this one comes with a hearty dose of realism…

Meet Agent Hawk: he received the best education, works for the government and – as Steve Cleary's Secret Agent opens - finds himself trapped in the lair of super villain Volkov. Sounds pretty familiar, doesn’t it?

For Volkov, all is going to plan. He’s about to take Hawk out by some convoluted means of torture. Though something isn’t sitting quite right. But with the assistance of evil hench-woman Natalia, Volkov vows to hammer such petty details out!

A machine with a spinning blade enters and inches toward the secret agent.

AGENT HAWK
Luxury cars?
I’m a government employee for God’s sake!
I drive a Hyundai.

VOLKOV
How unfortunate.
Well, at least you had the beautiful women.

AGENT HAWK
Pfft!
The last date I had was with the cashier at the Stop and Shop.
She wouldn’t even let me get to second base!

VOLKOV
What?
Surely you’ve had some measure of success
with the fairer sex, no?

AGENT HAWK
No. Not really.
Girls just aren’t into me, I guess.
I think it’s my nose.

VOLKOV
Your nose? Nah, your nose is fine.
Give yourself more credit!

AGENT HAWK
Bah.

Volkov looks off screen.

VOLKOV
Natalia, shut that off a moment and come out here.

The machine pauses and the powers down. His henchwoman, stunning NATALIA, enters. Hawk smiles goofily.

NATALIA
Yes boss, what is your bidding?

VOLKOV
Look at this man.
Do you see anything wrong with his nose?

Agent Hawk may be in the same profession as Mr. Bond, but he apparently lacks any of 007’s financial or relationship success. Together, the trio attempt to figure out the source of Hawk’s… dysfunction.  All the while machinery of destruction stares Hawk in the face.

Even if he can escape, is an unfulfilled, loveless life worth it anyway?

A great little comedy short, Hard Up Secret Agent boasts both an affordable budget and minimal page count… just enough to humorously turn James Bond on his well-coiffed head.  Just one location and small cast required.  It doesn’t take a super-spy to know that’s an (evil genius) scheme to get audiences laughing… even with the whole world at stake!