Shootin' The Shorts | Page 23 | Script Revolution

Shootin' The Shorts

Shootin' The Shorts is run by J.E. Clarke a longtime prolific screenwriter who loves to give others a little boost in the marketplace by highlighting why she believes their short script may stand out. She brings with her a loyal band of readers who share the same compassionate attitude who have joined her cause as it's grown and grown to connect writers with filmmakers on a monthly basis. Now it finds a home here on Script Revolution.

This is all about highlighting what makes a script great by focusing on the positives. You'll find no negative criticism or lists of issues here. Submitting a short script for consideration couldn't be easier, simply scroll down to the bottom of your script edit page and tick the "Submit to Shootin' The Shorts" checkbox. Please note; it takes time to get through all submissions, everything is subjective, and we're by no means saying these are the best short scripts on Script Revolution, they are simply the ones that have found an admirer within this section - CJ

The Revelator - think elevators are scary places? Until you read this – you have no idea

Many people believe that death brings a day of judgment. The Good go on to Heaven and the Bad go to Hell. Others don’t believe, and for them death is merely an end. Yet others come to find God in their final moments, fervently hoping that something awaits them in a Great Beyond.

And, sometimes, God finds them. Wall Street poster boy Mason, the protagonist of David Lambertson’s The Revelator, is on an elevator when he feels a sharp pain and collapses on the floor.

Enter Mason’s Maker.

Needless to say—given his chosen profession—Mason has not led a life of brotherly love and solidarity with his fellow human beings. And, not a believer, he becomes quickly enraged with the creator’s timely arrival:

MASON
Please, call an ambulance.

SPEAKER (V.O.)
There is no need. You are not sick.

MASON
Just fucking do it!
(yells)
I’ll sue your ass. Call the
paramedics now.

But, Speaker has other plans for Mason. On the verge of death, some have described how life flashes before their eyes. Mason’s doesn’t flash. Rather, Speaker initiates a torturous game of floor-hopping visits through the man’s past misdeeds. Mason vows to change. But, Speaker demands something more than mere promises.

Mason quickly realizes that Speaker means business; not exactly the type of higher power that Mason had imagined, nor the type that others so frequently describe. But, if Mason knows anything, it’s how to take advantage of others when making a deal. So, even in the face of death, his greed endures.

Will Speaker be forgiving and let this Wall Street scum survive? Or, will Mason be left on floor 39 to die? You won’t want to miss the chance to find out. Revelator provides a twisted opportunity to explore the limits of heavenly intervention. You think elevators are scary places? Until you read this – you have no idea.

Pages: 10

Budget: Moderate. Need for an appropriate elevator and medical team costumes

The Script

The Relevator

A man faces life and death and life in a mysterious elevator.    

About The Reviewer

Julia Cottle's picture
Real name: 

Julia Cottle is a cultural anthropologist living in Chicago. She has worked for years as a university instructor and researcher for organizations committed to social justice. She always has loved to write, but only recently has discovered the joy of film and stage writing.Read more

About The Writer

David Lambertson's picture
Real name: 

Hmmm - how does one craft a writing biography for one that has not spent a life writing? I'll give it a shot. I knew I wanted to be a writer when I was eighteen. I started writing when I was 56. In the years between I got married, had children, got divorced, got married again, had grandchildren...Read more

Raven Point - a complex yet sensitive story about two individuals on two very different journeys

For anyone who has ever set out to spend some quality time alone in the wilderness, stumbling across another person out in the middle of nowhere can be disconcerting to say the least. If you had wanted company, would you have hiked out so far to avoid it? The sounds of other hikers, their laughter or their shouts, make you regret the time wasted even having prepared the trip. That much worse if they actually try to engage you in conversation.

Ethan, the protagonist of Jason K. Allen’s Raven Point, seeks to get away from it all. Resting peacefully against his newfound friend—a big old oak—he is shocked to discover that he is not alone. And not only is he not alone, but the intruder is actually lowering her pants right in front of him! Nor is the woman, Junie, exactly thrilled when she realizes that there is a man watching her as she prepares to pee. They both hope to part ways as soon as possible.

Still creeped out, Junie picks up her backpack.

ETHAN
You going to Raven Point?

JUNIE
Yeah.

Ethan sighs, disappointed.

ETHAN
I was hoping to be alone there.

JUNIE
So was I.

She straps on her backpack.

JUNIE
I’ll find a different spot.

ETHAN
Nothing against you, it’s just…

She turns to leave.

But Junie doesn’t leave, at least not right away. Instead, she decides to teach Ethan a thing or two before she departs.

Raven Point is a complex yet sensitive story about two individuals on two very different journeys whose paths cross along the way. Their encounter threatens to detour Ethan in ways he never could have imagined. Audiences will love the twists this tale takes as Junie leads Ethan down a road from which he most probably will never return.

Pages: 11

Budget: Low. The major expense will be the transport of equipment to a wilderness site.

The Script

Raven Point

Hoping to soothe his troubled soul, a backpacker embarks on a journey to a remote wilderness area, but his plans to be alone are thwarted when he encounters a girl who's on a similar journey.

About The Reviewer

Julia Cottle's picture
Real name: 

Julia Cottle is a cultural anthropologist living in Chicago. She has worked for years as a university instructor and researcher for organizations committed to social justice. She always has loved to write, but only recently has discovered the joy of film and stage writing.Read more

About The Writer

Jason K. Allen's picture
Real name: 

Jason Allen is a writer and filmmaker from Nashville, TN. He is also a wilderness guide, nature photographer and award-winning journalist.

His first feature film, Lucky Fritz, premiered at Cannes in 2009. He's won Best Screenplay honors at the Nashville Film Festival, San Diego Film...Read more

The Wall in the Garden - a shocking denouement you won’t see coming

Ah, the quest for a perfect life – the perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect lover. In Thorsten Loos’ The Wall In The Garden, Helen and Harold appear to be living the dream.

We open on a cozy cottage, sunlight streaming through the window into a warm and inviting home. Helen’s just woken from a perfect night’s sleep. Downstairs Harold is in the kitchen brewing coffee. When Helen joins Harold for breakfast it’s clear these two are very much in love.

Ever heard the phrase ‘too good to be true’? Well, there’s something about Helen and Harold’s union that’s just a little too perfect, and it’s enough to get your heckles up. Wouldn’t you know it, out of the blue, something big happens, something that threatens to rock these two to the very core of their foundation.

A wall suddenly appears in the back garden. Thing is, it wasn’t there before. Harold first notices it in one of Helen’s very delightful works of art. When the two of them investigate outside however they discover this ain’t no ordinary brick wall. It surrounds the entire house, not only that, it’s huge – as in verging on Great Wall Of China huge. Helen wants to turn a blind eye to it, nothing is going to shake her perfect world, but Harold’s not letting it go – he wants to know how the hell a wall could just materialize out of thin air, and he’s determined to get to the bottom of it… or rather to the top of it.

So, out comes a gargantuan ladder, or two, and Harold prepares to make his ascent.

And, you’ll never guess what he finds on the other side…

No, really, you won’t guess.

With The Wall In The Garden, Thorsten Loos deftly lulls his audience into a false sense of security, leads them down the proverbial garden path, then pulls the rug out from under them in a shocking denouement you won’t see coming.

If you’re a fan of the surreal tones of The Twilight Zone, Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, and The Truman Show, where everything is never as it first appears to be, you’re going to love The Wall In The Garden.

Filmmakers: Want to scale the heights to success? We predict a mad scramble for this one, so don’t be a flat-lander, get to your feet and reach for the summit.

Pages: 11

Budget: Mostly moderate. A bit of FX… but nothing huge, and definitely worth the payoff at the end!

The Script

The Wall In The Garden

The seemingly perfect lives of Helen and Harold are shattered into pieces when a mysterious wall emerges around their house.

About The Reviewer

L. Chambers's picture
Real name: 

L.Chambers has been writing all her life – especially in her head, and on scraps of paper. It’s only in the last few years she began to get serious about screen-writing. Prior to this she worked in the Features Department for ABC TV as a Program Assistant, and trained as a FAD. She currently...Read more

About The Writer

Thorsten Loos's picture
Real name: 

In Between - he best of dramatic storytelling with its crazily creative construction of an alternate universe

Many people live their lives thinking that someday there will be a reckoning; a time to account for everything ever said or done. If you’ve been good, you get to go to where the good people go and if you’ve been bad, you can go to hell. Unless you are among a very select fictional few —like Jane Bingum from Drop Dead Diva—you don’t get another chance.

In Noland Bryand’s latest work, In Between, afterlife determinations turn out to be much more complex. Omni Potent has been tasked with the difficult job of finding a place for this assortment of souls. His waiting room often looks like a gathering at the Mos Eisley Cantina in Star Wars: Wickenites, beings from Black Eye Galaxy and the planets Cog, Klaken and Klax. Having to meet with so many clients who speak so many different languages and carry such long resumes sure makes staffing complicated: it would be so much easier if Jesus hadn’t hacked the system and if people could just die and then go to heaven…or hell.

Dead golfer Wilfred makes Omni’s job that much worse.

Wilfred closes the door behind him.

OMNI POTENT, a ball of majestic light, hovers over a large, sturdy desk.

A large screen on the wall behind the desk.

OMNI POTENT
Take a seat.

A chair slides up behind Wilfred. He sits down.

Finding a D class job for this man who completely messed things up on his last assignment is going to be a real drag. There is no way that Omni’ll be able to place him somewhere on Earth, despite Wilfred’s whining that special favor is in order for guys like him.

In Between combines the best of dramatic storytelling with its crazily creative construction of an alternate universe, with beings submerged in out-of-this-world circumstances. You won’t want to miss the chance to bring this one to life!

Pages: 11

Budget: Moderate. Some minor special effect work needed, such as hovering blobs of light…

The Script

In-between

After dying from a heart attack, the spirit of Wilfred negotiates his next life.

About The Reviewer

Julia Cottle's picture
Real name: 

Julia Cottle is a cultural anthropologist living in Chicago. She has worked for years as a university instructor and researcher for organizations committed to social justice. She always has loved to write, but only recently has discovered the joy of film and stage writing.Read more

About The Writer

Nolan Bryand's picture
Real name: 

I've been interested in movies for as long as I can remember. While in university, I enrolled in film studies and took a particular interest in script writing. The idea of creating a story from a small thought in my head really appealed to me. I know the directors and actors are the ones...Read more

Beyond Treatment - Your audiences will appreciate the sensitive look at PTSD

Surviving a traumatic experience doesn’t always mean you move on with your life. One may be haunted by the memories of the incident … for years or decades to come. Triggering events, nightmares, an inability to cope with everyday challenges – life becomes almost literal Hell.

And it’s that much worse when you feel responsible for the tragedy. Then guilt slips into the equation; building an ominous nest in your mind…

And that’s Larry’s situation. The wheelchair-bound protagonist of Thorsten Loo’s Beyond Treatment, Larry’s suffering a serious case of PTSD, following the violent murder of his wife. Larry’s troubles are mounting day by day: complaints about his outbursts threaten to have him committed. And his therapist has exhausted her standard techniques. Now, she’s at a complete loss. And Larry’s at his wit’s end:

Emilia lays her glasses down on the desk. Eyes him with worry lines on her forehead.

EMILIA
Really, Larry – I don’t know what else I could do for you. I’ve tried just about anything I could think of. I think you’re beyond treatment.

Or is he? Sometimes extreme problems demand radical solutions. Larry just might get through this.

There are a number of good films that tastefully capture the struggles of a person living with PTSD. For instance, The Deer Hunter, Jacob’s Ladder, Mystic River, Brothers and a personal favorite – spoiler alert! – Stay. In a related vein, Beyond Treatment focuses on what treatment could look like: everything that could go right…and wrong.

Interested in investigating that visually? Your audiences will appreciate the sensitive look at PTSD that Beyond Treatment provides. Not to mention a bit of something else: a script that’s totally engaging and provocative – with just the right dose of irony. And a twist of “fate’s” evil knife…

Pages: 7

Budget: Low to moderate. Needs a room where you can nail boards to the walls.

The Script

Beyond Treatment

Larry suffers from a posttraumtic stress syndrome after he lost his wife in a brutal assault. When all attempts to treat him fail, his psychiatrist decides to take an unusual all-out approach in confrontational therapy...

About The Reviewer

Julia Cottle's picture
Real name: 

Julia Cottle is a cultural anthropologist living in Chicago. She has worked for years as a university instructor and researcher for organizations committed to social justice. She always has loved to write, but only recently has discovered the joy of film and stage writing.Read more

About The Writer

Thorsten Loos's picture
Real name: 

Sex and Violins - Written with a gentle – and slightly twisted – sense of humor

It can be hard to write a love story… It’s been done so many times, in so many ways.* Romeo and Juliet. When Harry Met Sally. Titanic. Pretty Woman. The Notebook. Ghost. The list goes on. How to make such a time worn concept still seem fresh? Well, sometimes to pays to just it simple and sweet – with just a touch of kinkiness.

Jackie – the heroine of Sex and Violins – isn’t faring well in the dating game. When the script opens, she’s just been dumped… via Post-It note stuck to her forehead. You see, she’s got a few strange, um, habits that seem to drive men away. At the office, her best friend Bette tries to set her up with Tom. Jackie’s worried: if Tom finds out her dark secret, it’ll be game over once again. Despite her misgivings, Jackie agrees to go on a date. After all, Tom’s a cutie. Needless to say, the date doesn’t go as planned. But is that a bad or good thing?

Written with a gentle – and slightly twisted – sense of humor, Sex and Violins has tons of memorable lines. (For instance, Jackie telling Bette about getting dumped: He didn’t even tell you to your face? No. He left me a note.). A little gem, S&Voffers everything a comedy director could wish for. Empathetic characters, a touch of sex… and a fresh twist to the age-old tale of love.

About the writer: David M Troop resumed writing in 2011 after a twenty-five year hiatus.  Since then, he has written about 50 short scripts, two of which have been produced.   Dave would like to make it three.  He is a regular, award-winning contributor to MoviePoet.com.  Born on the mean streets of Reading, PA, Dave now resides in Schuylkill Haven with his wife Jodi and their two lazy dogs Max and Mattie.

Pages: 8

Budget: Reasonable. Two main characters (and a few supporting ones), coupled with a handful of settings. Nothing exotic; just a bedroom, office, restaurant and a room with a stage…

* Folks, get your minds out of the gutter. We’re talkin’ love stories, not sex scenes! Well… mostly anyway.

About The Reviewer

J.E. Clarke's picture
Real name: 

Known for her unique characters and plots, J.E. Clarke has optioned her feature length horror, "Containment" with Primestar Film Group (director Mike Elliott of Scorpion King 4 attached) and her SF feature "Stream" with Purryburry Productions, John Noble of "Fringe...Read more

About The Writer

David Troop's picture
Real name: 

Dave Troop began writing as soon as he could hold a No. 2 pencil. In 2012, he discovered the beauty and the challenge of the five page screenplay while writing short scripts for MoviePoet.com and Simplyscripts. Dave continues to write and review short scripts for Script Revolution and Shootin'...Read more

I Swear, Inc - take a f**#@%% chance on this great premise

They say the most honest people swear a lot. Well, I like to – bleepbleepbleep – believe that’s true. But given the colorful variety of obscenity, who comes up with this s*** day by day?

I Swear Inc. gives us one legtimiate theory: a humorous comedy with an edge of darkness and a happy ending. (Don’t you dare make a joke – there are no innuendos here!)

Still: only a real dumb %!**#@ would let this script slip away.

In I Swear Inc, time’s running out for Doug and Ralph – the mastermind creators of I Swear Incorporated. What the Hell (oops, “Heck”) is ISI? A super-secret company that every year has to find the new ‘it’ word. One every foul-mouthed curser would love to say.

It’s a job Doug and Ralph take quite seriously. But this year’s been tough… they’re running out of time to find their gem. Determined to exhaust all creative outlets, the two even resort to a little torture on their road to discovery. But never fear: all victims are voluntary and compensated. These gents are professionals.

As with any good service, you need a sample group to trial your product on. With the help of their testers, profanity (or ‘Sentence Enhancing’ as Doug and Ralph prefer to say) is bound to evolve every year. By leaps and bounds.

Do you have a (*&()(*#& idea where this is leading? Well, they THINK they’ve found a gem in “kackersquat”:

DOUG
I’ve had just about enough of your
kackersquat!

Ralph considers his statement.

RALPH
Kackersquat… hmmm…
(shaking his head)
Too long. Doesn’t roll off the tongue.

It’s a shame kackersquat didn’t make it, but take a look at I Swear Inc. And imagine what did make the grade!

What makes a script truly great? Take a simple idea and bring it to its logical (comedic) conclusion. It worked in The Hudsucker Proxy, and it could work for you as well. If you’re the smart director you think you are, take a f**#@%% chance on this great premise. And get 2016 off to a roaring start!

Pages: 5

Budget: Very affordable. A room and some comedic stars is all you need!

The Script

I Swear Inc.

Since 1959, a secret company has existed whose job is to place one curse word into the English vocabulary every year -- in order to keep the language thriving and on the cutting edge.

About The Writer

Jason K. Allen's picture
Real name: 

Jason Allen is a writer and filmmaker from Nashville, TN. He is also a wilderness guide, nature photographer and award-winning journalist.

His first feature film, Lucky Fritz, premiered at Cannes in 2009. He's won Best Screenplay honors at the Nashville Film Festival, San Diego Film...Read more

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