Fuck Off Aliens
10 minutes until Earth is destroyed and a bewildered custodian is forced to clean up the mess
by convincing the alien destroyers that Humans are worth saving.
No matter one’s preferred flavor of science fiction, First Contact ain’t never easy. Heck, interaction between different “human” cultures hath its pitfalls. And the delicate balance of communicating with an alien sentient species is inherently far more complex.
There’s the language barrier, of course. Forget the simple translation of words… maybe the aliens we’re fated to encounter don’t even utilize sound!
For the sake of argument, let’s pretend we’re lucky enough to have a universal translator handy (as if!). Even then, there’s the matter of finding common ground. An advanced species may not value what we hold dear… or even care what we have to say!
Which can be quite problematic where the future of planet Earth is concerned.
Meet Leina – mid fifties, no beauty queen, and employed at a secret military base. You’d think that’s a glamorous gig, until you read Leina’s job title: Janitor. Yup. Whether one draws a paycheck from Walmart or Area 51, there’s no much variation when it comes to the daily work life of sanitation engineers.
But Leina’s day is about to get… interesting. News reports blare of an alien fleet in orbit. The doomsday ships are giving Earth 10 minutes to destruction. 10 minutes left to live? Yipes!
What would you do with 10 minutes left? Well, Leina doesn’t have anywhere to go. Or loved ones to call. So she may as well keep mopping. Which she does…
All the way to the interrogation room. Inside, Leina accidently interrupts a freaked out Spook, screaming at – you guessed it – an alien captive. Terrified they’re all about to be turned to space-ash, the Spook’s screaming insults and threats at his otherwordly “guest”. But the alien’s not listening.
Really, can you blame him (or it?). Zeroing in on Leina, the alien abruptly points. Even without a universal communicator, his meaning’s clear: “You want answers? Lemme talk to her.”
Shoved into the room by the Spook, Leina panics. Maybe the alien’s dangerous? Even if the Earth’s about to be destroyed, why spend one’s last moments being eaten alive? But one Vulcan-ish mind meld later does the trick. Suddenly she can understand Mr. Alien. At least as far as Leina’s immediate safety is concerned, this visitor “comes in peace.”
But with such short notice – what's there to say? With the end of the Earth in sight, will small talk work?
Leina quickly discovers that just saying “Please don’t blow us up, I’d like to keep breathing awhile” isn’t enough. Because with a species so different from humans, there are other topics to broach. For instance: Why the heck not?
LEINA
Well... first, it's nice to meet you.
ALIEN
Yes! It's lovely to meet you too!
Alien smiles broadly.
LEINA
Thanks. Erm, I'd quite like to not have my
home planet destroyed, we can talk about that?
ALIEN
(jolly)
Sure! Why don't you want it destroyed?
Leina stares at him.
LEINA
Well, honestly I thought that would
be quite self-explanatory.
As Leina tries to negotiate, the comedy of communication deepens. As Einstein explained, everything is relative. Time. Space. Justification for survival. Heady stuff like that.
Turning back to the hyperventilating Spook – who can’t understand what’s being said - Leina patiently explains.
SPOOK (COMMS)
What is he saying?
LEINA
He's asking why we shouldn't be destroyed.
SPOOK (COMMS)
Well go on then, tell him how great we are!
Leina looks to Alien.
LEINA
OK well, we are an intelligent species,
we have you know, scientists and things.
Technology, we have a lot to offer.
Alien stares at her. BURSTS into hysterical laughter.
ALIEN
Intelligent? technology?
He laughs harder.
Leina looks between Alien and the mirror.
ALIEN
You guys are funny, I will give you that.
Oooooh, this does NOT bode well. Will Leina and the Alien reach detente? Unlike Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, will the demolition of Earth be called off?
Like Douglas Adams, Matthew Taylor’s F*ck Off Aliens delivers galactic humor – and is sure to be loved galaxy wide. Directors with a grasp of both comedy and sci-fi should hitch a ride on the Leina-space-express. And good news for budgets: yes, your alien needs a poker face, but his makeup WON’T break the space-bank!!