Cults of the Shadow

OPENING THOUGHTS
Hello, Wonderful Writer of Horror! First of all, congratulations on signing a Shopping Agreement
for Nightside of Eden! That is super exciting and all the best of luck with the script. And what a
pleasant surprise to see another screenplay from you in my inbox – and yes, I remember Nightside of
Eden – how could I forget Alex and the mold and all of the horror happening inside his bedroom? You
are smart to write a “continuing adventure” and weaving some of the same elements and characters
from one story to this one. When I read the ending of Cults of the Shadow, I heard the whispering of a
third part. You leave Alex inside “hell” – and with all due respect, and since we have come to know this
character and are on his side – I wondered if you could leave him there? This draft is in good shape,
but there are a few aspects that could be developed or clarified that will be addressed in the following
notes.

CHARACTERS
The characters are interesting, compelling, complicated and flawed. Alex is familiar, and yet he has
changed. Carrie is also familiar, and yet she has changed, too. There is history between these two
characters, which adds tension and conflict between them. Having said that: On Page 7 the narrative
states: “-A recent image of Alex and Carrie who we recognize from the bookstore. He’s grinning.... Close
on Alex’s hand over Carrie’s baby bump. …” It’s been a while since I read Nightside of Eden so I don’t
remember if Alex and Carrie got together on a sexually. This “recent image” is a little confusing
because the context hasn’t been set up enough at this point in the story. A lot has happened between
Alex and Carrie that is not on the page. There is an opportunity to fill in the blanks a little more in this
script, and to reveal the love they have for each other; especially when he tells her how much he has
missed her and he kisses her burnt skin. You might consider taking another look at that scene (ending
on Page 72) to see there is something more.
You have created a terrific vehicle for this story in Sonja. She is seventeen and a gifted artist. She is
smart and feisty. She has agency, and as the story develops she has more and more agency but not
the kind a normal teenager would have, and this works really well. On Page 16 the narrative states: “…
The quality of the work must be exquisite, and the soul of the artist pure.” What aspect or aspects of
Sonja’s soul is pure? Is she a virgin? She pulls out a bloody Tampon and wrings the menstrual fluid
into the bowl, and then recites an incantation. This moment is provocative and terrific. But what does
this action have to do with her pure soul? I’m going to go out on a limb here…. Is this the first time she
has bled in this way? What would it be like if it is? And if Sonja has had menstrual cycles since she was
twelve or so, why is this menstrual cycle different? In other words, that irritating and important
question: Why today? Why now? Why this cycle? Having said all of this, you are doing something very
interesting connecting her blood to the words “with salt of the blood, open our gate…” and all that
those words mean and conjure.

PLOT
The following notes are more specific than general:
This note could go under Character and/or Structure: On Page 24 the narrative states: “Patty opens
her own eyes and just catches it vanishing. Startled – she looks behind her. Blinks twice. Looks back.
Shrugs. Leaves bathroom…” For Patty to shrug at this point in the plot deflates the tension that has
been building. Patty is a smart cookie, and she feels things beyond the normal. She just saw the eye
disappearing. Would she shrug this off? Or would this catching put her on edge? Would she take this as
a warning and put her on alert?
Page 39: Sonja is fast asleep and then her green eyes pop open, and then the horrifying scene where
she skewers Tom’s eye, and she finds her mother hanging from the light fixture, and then the
designation that this is a dream sequence. It is confusing not to know that this is a dream. The read
stops in order to figure out what has happened, and why. On Page 36 you alert us to the dream flash
and then back to scene. Where else in the script might this clarity help?
What do you mean by Mysterious POV? Can you be more specific here, or perhaps reframe what you
are envisioning so we can envision, too? Mysterious is a big and abstract word, you might want to
clarify.
Patty knows something is not right with Sonja. She enlists Bridie’s help. Bridie tells Patty that she
knows a guy who can help. This guy turns out to be Alex. All of this works but there are gaps between
Patty asking and Bridie asking and Alex coming into the mix; and these gaps in the plot deplete the
tension instead of building the tension. You might consider taking a look at this through line to see
what might need compression of time and/or place.

STRUCTURE
The logline indicates that Sonja is the main character. And yet Alex sacrifices himself in order for Sonja
to return to her room and her parents’ arms. As the creatures close in on Alex, he drops into the abyss.
Now I might be wrong, but it seems as if Alex is the hero of the story. What I’m trying to say is does this
story need a clear protagonist – one that we follow from the beginning through to the ending? There
are many characters, and even though they are all very interesting, it is often difficult or challenging to
follow the main storyline because there is not one character we can follow. Now, you might not want
to write a story with just one protagonist, and this story may not have just one protagonist. But you
might want to take another look to see if Sonja needs more development in the First Act so we know
this is whom we are following. We know this is whose story it is. At the same time, Alex is a major force
in the story. So is Carrie. And yet, they oftentimes fall by the wayside. Perhaps a question to ask might
be: Which characters play a lesser role, and can play an even lesser role? Or perhaps does a certain
character need to be even in the story? Discussing characters in the structure department might seem
odd, but there is something here to investigate.

DIALOGUE
The dialogue is excellent. You have a gift for writing incantations that sound like incantations from
hundreds of years ago, and that waft through the air creating a sense of terror and great anticipation.
Monique’s dialogue in the first pages sets up the historical aspect of the story that drives the plot
forward. Even though the dialogue is full of facts, it sounds like a tour guide talking to the tourists.
Carrie’s opening dialogue says so much about her character: She speaks from experience, and yet she
speaks with caution. Love when she says: “But that’s all bullshit cause nobody really knows that’s on
the other side.” What a set up you have put in our faces! What terrific foreshadowing your brilliantly
slip in within the first four minutes of screen time. Right here is the gem for the next episode in Alex
and Carrie’s lives. And then Carrie reveals something we don’t expect: “A demon seared it off while it
was raping me.” This reveal places Carrie in a vulnerable place, where we are instantly empathetic to
her, and are immediately on her side – well, most anyway. Having said that, you might take another
look at the scenes with the Deluca family to see if their dialogue moves the plot forward, or if the
dialogue might be a little too conversational or divergent.

CONCEPT
The concept is great, and taking the characters and the scary elements from Nightside of Eden and
continuing with them is smart. The black mold is a character unto itself, and for it to appear in Sonja’s
bedroom surprises and delights in a macabre and terrifying way. Weaving the Salam Witch Trials and
all of that horrific history into this story that takes place just after Princess Di’s death is very interesting
and unique. Question: How does Petey fit into the concept? How do his electronic toys and the
electronic monster growl add to or serve Sonja’s journey or Alex’s act of courage? Yes, the electronic
evil laugh adds mood and foreshadows (and we love Petey), but there is so much richness with and in
Sonja’s mural and the black mold and the blood and the land of the Salem and Alex jumping into the
abyss that the electronic toys might be more of a distraction than a strong element within the
concept.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Your writing and storytelling reminds me of Stephen King; at least the bits of writing I’ve read of his.
And to be compared to Stephen King is a huge compliment. The last few pages of this draft are full of
energy and move forward with the right pace. I was actually on the edge of my seat, and could feel fear
of what was happening, and anticipation of what was going to happen next growing in my body.
Horror stories are very much an experience of the visceral, and you are quite successful in this
department. One of the big questions might be: Would a clearly defined and developed protagonist
serve the story more than a cast resembling an ensemble? Other questions might be: How does
directing in the script serve the story and the characters? One thing is for sure: I was pulled into the
world; I was terrified and curious; and I hope Alex escapes hell and reunites with Carrie; and Sonja
grows up to be an old lady.