Dear God, I Quit - Love, Satan. by Vic Burns | Script Revolution

Dear God, I Quit - Love, Satan.

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10pp

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Logline: 
When Lucifer hands in his resignation letter, God is forced into a very dark corner.
Synopsis/Details: 

This is the first ten pages of the pilot episode.

This Script Has Been Reviewed By Shootin' The Shorts

Dear God, I Quit - Love Satan
When Satan hands in his resignation letter, God is forced into an impossible situation

What if God one of us? Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger on a bus… trying to make his way home?

That’s what singer/songwriter Joan Osborne asks us in her insanely catchy 90’s pop song, “What if God Was One of Us”. If even you didn’t grow up in the 90’s, love it or hate it, I’m sure you’ve heard it before.

For obvious reasons, this song played in my head after just finishing Jay Williams (aka Vic Burns') sharp-witted comedy short, “Dear God, I Quit – Love Satan”. While Joan Osborne’s song asks us what it would be like if God was, indeed, one of us, Williams explores the scenario further… while also asking the same question about God’s rival, the Prince of Darkness himself, Lucifer.

In “Dear God, I Quit – Love Satan”, God is a slob like one of us (to answer Joan Osborne’s question)… and a drunk… and a gambling addict.

The story opens outside of a storefront on the Vegas strip where we meet Godfrey – God in human form. Unshaven and unwashed, Godfrey looks like an old homeless man, muttering profanities to himself while glugging down a bottle of whiskey. It’s been a rough go in Vegas – not only is he hammered… but he’s also broke.

That’s when his friend, Lou, sharply dressed and doing much better than his counterpart, comes to the rescue like any friend would. If you were wondering, yes, Lou is short for Lucifer. And, yes, on Earth, he and God are friends.

GODFREY
Oh Lou, is this how it ends?
How did it ever come to this?

We then cut to heaven, long before God became Godfrey and lost everything in the casinos.

This version of heaven doesn’t seem very heavenly – here, we don’t see angels playing harps with halos over their heads while riding on puffy clouds. This version of heaven looks much like an office you’d find your accountant working in. But maybe a lot less organized and a lot more filthy. Apparently, even in heaven, God is a slob like one of us.

A pile of paperwork in front of him, God seems just as stressed as any nine-to-five office worker. I guess we really were created in God’s image…

That’s when Lucifer arrives to conduct their weekly session where they discuss the balance of good and evil.

GOD
OK, I’ve enabled a couple of new strains of penicillin.

LUCIFER
Very noble.
(beat)
Well, I have introduced three new outbreaks of Ebola –
let’s see what your penicillin can do about that.

GOD
Touché.

LUCIFER
Thank you.
(beat)
Let’s see – ah yes, I’ve influenced the commission of eight new seasons
of Two And A Half Men on an over-the-top video provider.

GOD
You bastard.

But, as their session continues, Lucifer breaks some news to his counterpart, handing him a letter of resignation. Bored of his duties, Lucifer has also “seen the light”…

LUCIFER
I’ve had an awful long time to think about it.
It was wrong of me, I was suffering with delusions of grandeur.

But to truly be relieved of his duties, Lucifer needs God’s forgiveness first. But God isn’t so sure. After giving it some thought, God comes up with a plan – that he and Lucifer head down to Earth in human form. If Lucifer demonstrates good behavior and shows him that he has indeed changed, God will forgive him. But forgiveness comes with some serious consequences…

Packed with pithy dialogue and fantastic chemistry between God and Lucifer, “Dear God, I Quit – Love Satan” will make you do what any good comedy SHOULD do… laugh. And especially with the world where it is right now, God knows we could all use a good laugh.

Review by Michael Kospiah
Submitted: May 4, 2020
Last Updated: June 17, 2020

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The Writer: Vic Burns

This is the section in which it appears to be increasingly 'the norm' to write about oneself in the third person so as to appear that the text was written by someone else. I can't join in I'm afraid - I'm not a football manager, and this isn't LinkedIn. I started writing way back in 1997 whilst working in a producing theatre. Back then, there was no YouTube, Twitter or bountiful internet resources like those of today. I very quickly become disheartened and stopped writing after one script. That script was a play that I found in a shoebox twenty year later - man, it was terrible. Around that time in 2017, I had a failed business, a moribund relationship with the mother of my two sons and my... Go to bio

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