Dukes of Biohazard

Spring, 1962. General Booth gives the order to incinerate a town to conceal the aftermath of a botched mission: the testing of a bio-weapon nicknamed “Pandora’s Box.” Spring, 1996. Rick, a goth teen who hasn’t smiled since his father left, gets dumped by his egotistical girlfriend, opening the door for Gertrude, a colorful personality, who protects Rick from being pummeled by a jock. Ronny, a wannabe goth, who enjoys rap, porn, and Joe Pesci, begins his morning by feeding cheese to hairless lab rats in his chemistry class. Late at night, Rick and Ronny jam-out in Rick’s garage, drowning out all other sounds. Especially, the high pitched sound-wave from a possible “UFO”, leaving people in a zombie-like trance. The sound-wave transforms small creatures into large ferocious beasts, which begin to terrorize the town. The next day, Rick and Ronny learn that a “UFO” was spotted in their town. They immediately go across the street to see Carlito, a computer nerd, who is convinced that the UFO is a hoax and possibly a government distraction from something far sinister. While testing this theory, Rick and his friends cross paths with General Booth. Carlito recognizes the general from a new thing called the world wide web. Later, Rick witnesses a giant chicken kill his gun-toting neighbor, Mr. Parker. Carlito discovers that the giant animals are just the beginning of woes. He shares information about General Booth and possible motives. Rick and Ronny decide that the hardware store is their best bet to survive since they stock guns. Lots of them. Rick’s mother and sister are leery of leaving. On the way, their minivan runs out of gas. As they travel on foot, Mr. Parker, now a walking corpse, lurches at them. Gertrude shows up and guns down the zombie. Rick and Gertrude begin to fall in love as they take refuge at the hardware store. Their moment of passion is interrupted by a horde of ravenous beasts. Gertrude’s grandmother suddenly falls ill. Rick and Ronny, armed to the teeth, head across town in hopes of retrieving a nurse who may or may not be alive. After their departure, General Booth orders a roundup of townsfolk to feed his alpha mice. His soldiers raid the hardware store. Rick and Ronny find the nurse and return to the hardware store only to find Gertrude’s grandmother. The others have vanished. Unexpectedly, the grandmother revives and begins to mutate into a naked 50-foot giant. She smashes through the front entrance and stomps through the town. Rick and Ronny head to a military encampment to face General Booth and his army. They’re captured and brought before the general. The grower begins to wreck the military encampment, creating an escape route for Rick and Ronny. The alpha mice are released. Carlito is bit by an alpha mouse while protecting Gertrude. Rick conjures an unlikely way to lure the mice away: he beckons Ronny to pull down his underwear and draw them away with his “fromunda” cheese. It works. Rick, Ronny, and their loved ones, escape to the high school with the alpha mice gaining on them. Rick plans to destroy the alpha mice by blowing up the school, using the gas furnace in the basement. General Booth blocks the attempt. Ronny catches a bullet. Giant hairless lab mice, from Ronny’s chemistry class, pounce the general and kill him. Carlito, who knows that he’ll soon be a zombie like Mr. Parker, tells Rick and the others to get out before he sacrifices himself in another attempt to blow up the school. The hairless lab rats keep the alpha mice preoccupied while Rick, Ronny, and the others make their escape. Soldiers chase Rick and the others to the rooftop of the school. They’re trapped and surrounded. When all seems hopeless, Gertrude’s giant grandmother cups them into her enormous hands and runs off into the night as the school explodes, killing off the alpha mice and soldiers. A week later, Ronny recovers on a hospital bed. Rick and Gertrude pay him a visit. There’s something peculiar about Rick: he’s smiling, something he hasn’t done since his childhood.