Aspartame fish soup, anyone? | Script Revolution

Aspartame fish soup, anyone?


Within the first paragraph of Ville Nummenpää's latest blog post you should already have an idea of where it's going as it's a conundrum and trap many of us creatives fall into and become familiar with. This amusing article should serve as a healthy reminder just how quickly things can unravel and the madness can take over as we descend, quite literally in this case, into pure development soup. What's that old saying about too many cooks again? - CJ

So a restaurant hired you as a chef to prepare a tasty stew. Congratulations! You are now determined to knock everyone off their feet, let’s see how they like your special recipe.

As you’re slaving in the kitchen, two hands reach out over both of your shoulders and have a little taste. The feedback is immediate and absolute.

”Needs salt”, says the first voice.

”Way too salty”, says the second one.

You can’t help but notice the slight contradiction between the statements. Don’t worry, a culinary artist needs to learn how to compromise, might as well start learning now. You modify the stew, there is now some taste, but not alarmingly so, let’s hope you got the balance right?

Yes, crisis averted. Neither party behind you is now happy, so both are content. You go about making your stew.

As the work progresses, you will be approached by someone who questions the choice of dish to begin with. Should it be a stew at all? The market studies show people like lasagna.

This is true, people do like lasagna. Not a disaster, you’ll notice it’s not impossible to turn your stew into a lasagna. Some key elements will change, but not too much. Actually, it just might work. Why the hell not?

”Where’s the beef?”, asks somebody. This is good question, everyone agrees the meal needs more meat. This is embarrassing, how could you have skimped on the beef like that? Luckily, it’s not too late to fix it.

”But what about the vegetarians?”, someone rightfully points out. This is a bombshell, why didn’t you think of that? You don’t want to lose such a large portion of your clientele. What to do? Meat or no meat?

Is the beef stew lasagna the right way to go to? Some say yes, some say no. Somebody feels the time for such heavy dishes is a thing of the past, you should be focusing on lighter meals, like salads or soup. Or maybe just skip to the dessert, make a nice cake, or some frosted pastries?

”Yes, but no sugar. We need to use non-fattening artificial sweeteners, such as aspartame”, somebody argues.

We all know aspartame is originally an insectiside, and it shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone it causes diabetes, cancer, epilepsy, ebola and AIDS, has no dietary value, and then there’s the god-awful taste... But this is not the time or the place for that conversation.

There are issues to resolve, like the temperature of the food, amount of salt, and the meat or no meat-dilemma. Some people enjoy fast food whereas some wish to sit down comfortably and enjoy their meal in silence. How to please them all?

Which is when you realize the answer is hiding in plain sight... Fish. If you use fish, no one will be super-annoyed or conversely too satisfied. Especially, if you go with fish sticks, since they don’t contain too much flavour.

Now the pieces fall in perfectly, you have the perfect recipe. You will make a fish stick-salad stew soaking in water so that it resembles soup, finish it with a whipped cream topping sweetened with insectisides, serve it lukewarm, and have people sit on not-too-comfortable benches, so that they can kinda sit down and enjoy, but not for too long. A sure-fire winner, there’s something for everyone.

With this amount of careful planning and calculation, there is no way you can fail, absolutely everything has been taken into consideration. You can now expect a line around the block to the restaurant.

About The Author

Ville Nummenpää's picture
Real name: 

I'm a screenwriter and a novelist. Three official credits on IMDB (There should be a couple more, who knows who updates them?). I have one 12-ep. TV-series to my name, two stage plays, five books (three for kids, two for grown-ups), and various stints here and there. Episode here, a few sketches there, short movies and short stories, etc.

I do comedy, cause I'm not funny. But why stop there? I also want to do horror, action, science fiction... in one word, entertainment.

I live...Read more



Bamutiire Jerry Edmund's picture

And in the end you find your authentic voice, that "fish stick-salad stew," thus the relief.