Sun, 2024-Jun-09 21:25 (BST)
Hi,
new here and was wondering if anyone would like to swap short scripts for feedback. I have one that is 5 pages. It's a first draft and yours doesn't have to be 5 pages. Can be up to 20 and I'll read it,give as best feedback as I can.
Thank you in advance. John.
Anyone?
I did not think of this until someone mentioned it. It is uploaded on my profile now. Here are the details.
Title:Chemical
Genre:Horror
5 Pages
Logline: A fearful man holding up in a bunker changes into something terrifying after a chemical spill, then escapes when he's found.
Synopsis:
In the aftermath of a catastrophic chemical spill in a nearby town, a man in his mid-30s seeks refuge in his fortified bunker. His bunker is a dimly lit, cluttered space filled with survival supplies, a small bed, and a flickering television. The man listens anxiously as a news report on the TV warns residents to stay indoors due to the dangerous spill, mentioning that exposure might cause severe hallucinations.
As hours turn into days, the man begins to experience strange occurrences that unsettle him further. The television screen flickers ominously, shadows shift in the dim light, and a loud bang from inside the bunker startles him, causing him to spill his food. He discovers a loose pipe spraying black liquid, which he hastily wipes away, his anxiety growing.
Memories of his wife and happier times intrude upon his thoughts, blending with increasingly fragmented and intense flashbacks of the chemical spill. He begins to suffer severe headaches and hallucinations, questioning his sanity and the true nature of his environment.
Tension mounts as he notices a shadowy figure in the bunker. Initially, he dismisses it as a hallucination or an inanimate object, but the disturbances grow more frequent. In a desperate struggle for survival, the man succumbs to the transformation.
Months later, two men in hazmat suits, following rumors of the abandoned bunker, come across it during an exploration. As they cautiously enter the bunker, they find evidence of the man's struggle. Initially thinking it might just be remnants of a long-abandoned refuge, they venture deeper.
In the darkest corners, they discover the transformed man, now a grotesque monster, chained and subdued. The sight horrifies them, and they quickly realize the true danger that lies within the bunker. The monstrous creature awaits and, despite their efforts to contain it, overpowers them, leading to their gruesome demise. The creature then escapes into the outside world, free to unleash terror once more.
https://www.scriptrevolution.com/scripts/chemical
Synopsis.
I'd love to script swap with you John, would you please my feature length script called "Sylph: The Wind Spirit". It's about a naive renegade Fairy who's on the run from a self-loathing scientist.
Here's the link address: https://filmfreeway-production-storage-01.s3.us-west-2.amazonaws.com/scr...
Thank you for your interest and reading mine. Give me a few days or so and I'll send you a pm after I read yours.
Funny how it shows a man who slowly turns into a monster. The best part is when he's ready and escapes to kill more.
Thanks for reading. Is it good or bad? What can I improve?
My favourite part is when the other survivors have to kill the protagonist turned monster, as it shows how we're willing to turn into monsters just to survive. A nice allegory I wasn't expecting.
Personally, I would have a mundane yet progressive montage of the protagonist slowly losing his sanity and giving into his monstrous side, that way his transformation feels more thematic and less extrinsic and momentary.
Overall, it's a nice short story with an interesting setup, I hope you expand on the characters and world, because I would love to know more.
It'd be an awesome short movie. The power in it seems to come from your great instincts. I see a lot of symbolic parallells to the birth of a killer in your story. That's what happens when you write intuitevily. Don't ask too much what could be better. It's a piece of art and an expression of what you genuinely have on your mind. Seen like that small imperfections are as awesome as what feels rock solid.