Thar She Blows!

It’s the fall of 1970 in the quiet coastal town of Florence, Oregon, and the most exciting thing that ever happens here is the annual Rhododendron Festival. But all that changes when a dead whale washes ashore and is discovered by an eccentric local resident, Pirate Pete, walking the beach with his metal detector. Word spreads and soon a television news crew arrives and begins documenting how this unusual and unprecedented situation starts to impact the locals.    At first, everyone is excited, convinced the dead whale will attract tourists and boost the economy. Dorothy and Bob Magina, owners of the struggling Magina’s Eatery, are especially eager to attract new customers with their unorthodox menu of entrees like pureed sauerkraut soup with Spam salad. Car salesman and ladies man (in his mind only) Sal Coleman has his own vision of tourists flocking to his car lot to get “a whale of a deal.” And Mayor Jim Taylor goes into full-on politician mode to persuade his constituents that this is the best thing to ever happen to Florence.   But all that changes within hours when the sickening stench from the rotting whale starts to permeate every square inch of the town. Sheriff Gus Morrison and his wisecracking deputy urge the mayor to get rid of the whale, something he refuses to do. In the mayor’s mind, this isn’t some stinky dead fish…it’s a slightly fragrant cash cow that needs to be exploited as long as possible. His suggestion is to simply tow the eight-ton carcass downwind, a plan that is interrupted by the arrival of Tad Vannoy, a marine biology grad student who can’t believe the stupidity of this idea. And he’s not alone. Local hippy artist and bong maker Corinne Buck feels a strong spiritual connection to the whale, even naming it “Moby Chick,” and, like Tad, thinks the whale deserves the dignity of decomposing in peace. Then, not giving a rat’s ass what two hippies think, the head of the local highway division, Melvin Crawford, shows up. A crusty, take-charge alpha male, pissed that this whale is interfering with his annual hunting trip, reminds the mayor that the beach is his jurisdiction and that he’s in charge. And before anyone can challenge him, Crawford orders the whale to be buried right where it is…another harebrained idea that Tad insists won’t work because once the tide comes in, the sand will wash away and leave the whale fully exposed again.    As the futile effort of burying the whale gets underway, local bowling alley owner Ray Hanes is more upset over all the attention his former friend and bowling partner, “Pirate” Pete Pinkston, is attracting after discovering the whale. Ray isn’t shy letting everyone know that Pete single-handedly ruined Ray’s life and bowling career years earlier in a bizarre accident that left Pete with one eye and convinced he was no longer a plumber but a pirate. But even Ray can’t ignore the putrid odor that returns the next morning when, just as Tad predicted, the whale is once again fully exposed in the same spot where they buried it. With businesses shutting down and kids wearing gas masks in school because of the smell, everyone demands that Mayor Taylor calls an emergency town meeting to discuss what’s to be done with the whale once and for all. Various ideas are tossed around….chop it up, burn it…Mayor Taylor suggests building an upside down aquarium around it so that everyone can still see it but not smell it. As they talk in circles, Stan Morton, now the acting head of the highway division with Melvin Crawford gone hunting, reminds everyone that he’s in charge and, after consulting with the U.S. Navy, has come up with the perfect solution: blow it up. At first the crowd looks at him like a pack of dogs hearing a high pitched whistle, but when he explains that Mayor Taylor can sell tickets to watch the explosion, Morton gets everyone’s full support (except Tad and Corinne).    The next day the town holds a dynamite drive and rewards donors with raffle tickets to possibly win a seat in the VIP section on “Thar She Blows Day”! But at the end of the drive, with over twenty cases of dynamite collected, Morton gets a warning from Russ Korkis, a tightly wound former military explosives expert currently working as the sous chef at the Magina’s Eatery. He tells Morton they’ve got way too much dynamite to blow up the whale—all they need are a few sticks. But Morton refuses to listen, assuring Russ that he has everything under control. Then, with all the fanfare of a Fourth of July extravaganza, the entire town shows up on the beach to watch the big explosion. With their picnic blankets, lawn chairs, coolers and flags, everyone tries to get a prime viewing spot as Morton and his two-man team pack a half a ton of dynamite around the whale. Minutes later, the always marinated wife of the mayor, Elizabeth Taylor (not that one), stumbles into position on the VIP platform to wave the white flag which will signal Morton to detonate the explosives. But as the crowd counts down from ten, somewhere between six and five Elizabeth spots a friend in the crowd and yells at her, absently waving the white flag. Taking his cue, Morton pushes the plunger on the detonator and the whale explodes….and it’s a disaster! A 100-foot high column of sand and whale erupts, sending chunks of blubber in every direction, destroying the dais and crushing one of Sal Coleman’s prized Oldsmobiles. Spectators scream and try to run for cover but they can’t avoid the torrential downpour of bloody, oily whale goo that rains down on them. It’s complete chaos and leaves the once pristine beach looking like Normandy on D-Day.    But in the aftermath, it turns out Mayor Taylor was on to something…the exploding whale may have actually been the best thing to ever happen here. When the news crew revisits the town one year later, we learn that life is almost back to normal, with a few exceptions. But one thing is certain….despite having to burn their clothes covered in god knows what and tolerating the dreadful smell that still lingered for months, the explosion of the whale literally changed the lives of the people in Florence forever. And what’s even crazier? This is a true story!