University of the Phoenix: A Safety School for Witchcraft and Wizardry

Series Summary: Not every young wizard gets to live in a castle and attend a prestigious wizard school like the one “that must not be named.” Some, like freshman Maud Lavender, have to settle for the University of the Phoenix, a truly crappy magic college in the Midwest that appears to the outside world to be a truly crappy theater college in the Midwest. Maud is awkward and, like most college freshman, he has no idea what he wants to be in life. He finds himself sharing a dorm with Gary Stevens, a non-magical (or “dismagical” as opposed to “cismagical”) criminal justice major who seems to have been admitted to UOTP by mistake (or perhaps by sinister design.) When Maud’s absent-minded wizard father doesn’t pay Maud’s tuition like he promised, Maud is taken under the wing of rich kid Tink Tinkledust III. A 6th year senior and campus party animal, Tink is staying in school as long as he can to avoid joining his wizard 1% father’s alchemy firm GoldinSacks. Tink shares a room with Casper the friendless ghost, a bummer of a dead kid roommate. Despite being in a long-distance thing with his high school girlfriend, who’s attending the famous magic school in Scotland, Maud develops a crush on Raja Lodge, a sex-positive woke wyzard (don’t say witch!) from dismagical parents who lives on his hall. She can see into her lovers’ futures depending on the strength of her orgasms. Raja is roommates with Morganna Goody, a powerful but sheltered girl from a devout pureblood wizard family who has old-fashioned prejudices against the dismagical. (She refers to them with the very un-PC term “rezards.”) Naturally, when the homeschooled Morganna gets to college she promptly goes wild, ending up in a rebellious relationship with Gary. As they navigate their first semester (or in Tink’s case his 11th) away from home, they go through typical college rites of passage like new relationships, the fun of a road trip, frat parties, parents visits, a work-study job and cramming for tests. They also have the less typical experiences of body switching, attacks from Tricorns (three-horned unicorns), 200 year-old virgins, FUIs (flying under the influence), Troll Biker Gangs and an RA who is literally possessed by the school spirit: Daehok the Unforgiving. This is just the first chapter of the great adventure that will one day lead Maud Lavender to be known as “the boy who lived… at home with his dad… because he owes a bunch of gold in student loans… and he can’t get a job with his useless degree from…The University of the Phoenix: A Safety School for Witchcraft and Wizardry! Pilot Summery: With his embarrassing father in tow, our hero Maud meets his fellow hallmates at the University of the Phoenix, aka every wizard’s safety school. Maud is immediately taken with the sexy, progressive Raja, in spite of his long-distance high school girlfriend. Maud gets off to a rough start with his non-magical roommate Gary, who takes his wizard’s robe and pointy hat as an indicator of Klan membership. Sheltered, home-schooled Morganna proves Maud may not be the most awkward freshman at the U (of the P.) While 6th year senior Tink jars Maud out of his comfort zone with an immediate offer of pixie dust, “pure ground-up Bolivian pixies.” On the first day of classes Maud, Raja and Morganna learn just how mediocre their new school is. Their History of Magic class is a history of Magic: The Gathering. Their Herbology class is a study of actual guys named Herb. And what they thought was Defense Against the Dark Arts is actually Defense Against the Fine Arts where they learn an (arguably useful) skill—how to kill a mime. But Maud’s college experience is immediately threatened when a talking rooster informs him his absent-minded father hasn’t paid Maud’s tuition. It’s probably because Maud’s dad doesn’t understand how money works—Bitcoin is not the same as a chewed-on sack of nickels. A meeting with a financial aid Goblin proves unhelpful when Maud can’t get a diversity grant as part Humonculus or a two-eyed Cyclops, and refuses to die to qualify for the United Necro College Fund. Maud takes a work-study job to cover daily expenses, but the financial aid Goblin gives him only one day to come up with enough gold for his tuition. Meanwhile Gary sees the College Dean transform into a talking dog. The faculty erase Gary’s mind—keeping magic a secret from the non-magical is essential to the survival of the school—but it’s not going to be easy to keep Gary in the dark. At an outrageously dangerous Magical Creatures class, Raja saves Tink’s life thanks to her ability to see the future of anyone she sleeps with. In gratitude, Tink takes the gang to his favorite wizard bar/Italian restaurant, the Golem Garden. But the place is dead and not just because of the zombies. Luckily Tabitha, a middle-aged witch with a taste for college men, tells them about a frat party at the non-magical school in town. They run into Gary at the party, whose memory wipe clearly didn’t take. They’re afraid he’ll expose them in front of the non-magical partiers, but Gary turns out to be cool with having wizard friends and promises to keep their secret. Raja hooks up with a cute frat guy while Morganna discovers a taste for beer. She gets witch wasted! In a quiet moment on the roof, Maud confesses his money problems to Tink, while Tink confides in Maud his deep dislike for the greedy world of his father. They’re interrupted by the drunken Morganna flying over the frat house and puking on a Partyboy below. They all beat it out of there before anyone else witnesses them performing magic. The next morning Maud finds a sack of gold on his bed. It’s a gift from Tink with some disturbing strings attached. Tink appears to have a side business that involves disposing of bags of dead pixies, and a sexual predilection for the “Howdy Doody,” or sex with a marionette. Maud refuses to assist Tink’s pixie murders or sex life, but Tink insists he keep the gold anyway so he can pay his tuition. At Maud’s work-study job—the T.O.A.D. Hotline—a call center where wizards reassure the non-magical that the magic they “think” they encountered “Twas Only A Dream,” Maud listens in on a call from the Partyboy Morganna puked on. Maud’s supervisor reassures him that Partyboy’s memory will be wiped, but not before Sgt. York from campus security interrogates him to find the witch responsible for this forbidden breach of secrecy. She will face immediate expulsion!