Very Impressive And Not At All Pathetic

Todd used to be a serial killer, and proud of it. A car accident took him out of the game, and he settled into a life of curmudgeonly pouting - until someone started getting the attention he's entitled to.

Todd struggles at first. This new guy is clearly just a fame hog, so why worry? Besides, he can't wave a magic wand and remove this limp. But the stupid media keeps falling all over themselves, so ultimately, something has to be done.

His physical therapist proves a tougher target than he expected. No matter, he'll just have to try harder.

Meanwhile, the new guy is infuriatingly smooth and depraved. Still hack work, but you can't deny he's got style.

Todd puts in the time and loses some weight. Gains some muscle, reduces his pain. Time to try again. Not Brenda, though. She's... irritating, that's why.

While shopping for ways to get rid of a body, Todd runs into the new guy! An attempt to outsmart him results in... well, what they both deserve. The end. But not because Todd lost a fight! (The other guy DEFINITELY cheated.)