We are Wizard

Logline: A crazy hobo who claims to be a wizard and an escaped mental patient who thinks he’s Jesus take a young boy to a water park to distract him from the death of his parents, while being chased by an evil scientist intent on using their powers for evil. Concept: We are Wizard is about two insane idiots, one loud and obnoxious who thinks he’s a wizard and the other innocent and timid who thinks he’s Jesus. Yet in their insanity, there is some element of truth, some unexplained metaphysical powers they have which let them get away with whatever nonsense they run into, usually in hilarious, unexpected ways. The story is a chain of absurd adventures they go on as they take a kid to the water park and try to avoid capture by an evil scientist (who also happens to be the Wizard’s ex). It serves as a lesson in friendship, believing in yourself, and living your fullest life in a chaotic and uncertain world. Characters: The Wizard - Fat, uncouth, and probably crazy, the wizard wanders around in a bathrobe and socks with sandals doing whatever he wants and inexplicably creating chaos wherever he goes. Being highly irresponsible, he struggles with the new found challenge of taking care of a kid. Frank (Jesus) - An escaped mental patient who thinks he’s Jesus. Having been locked away in a secret research facility for most of his life, Frank is very new to the world despite being a fully grown adult. He tries hard to be as good a person as Jesus was, but is often timid and unsure of himself and scared to come out of his shell. Artie - A 12-year-old boy, Artie loses his parents at the beginning of the story and is assigned the Wizard as his legal guardian. Sarcastic and spunky, he provides the connection to reality and humanity amidst our protagonists while he attempts to live a new life as a “wizard’s” apprentice. Farrell & Robin - The two secret agents attempting to re-kidnap Frank for their evil scientist boss. Farrell is methodical and deadly; Robin is quiet and strong. Hannah - The evil scientist trying to use Frank’s powers for evil. She has little to no empathy. Her only goal is advancing her science for personal gain. Sona - a young woman working a carnival stand who Frank falls in love with. Synopsis: We open on a teenage girl playing a game on her phone. The landline rings. She lets it ring for a few times before begrudgingly answering it. It’s the police. They’re looking for a crazy man in a bathrobe who is deemed armed and dangerous. She looks outside. The Wizard, matching the wanted man’s description, is wandering around outside. The girl doesn’t care. She hangs up the phone and goes back to her game. The Wizard walks up to a house on the other side of the street and knocks. A boy, Artie, answers. The wizard introduces himself and says he’s here to kidnap Artie. He seems to think Artie’s parents are dead for some reason. Artie is confused, as his parents are alive and a fat man in a bathrobe is saying he’s going to kidnap him. He asks the wizard to prove himself by blowing up a tree in his front yard with magic. The wizard can’t do it. Not even close. Luckily for Artie, his parents are on their way home. Unluckily, as they drive up to the house, they swerve to avoid a squirrel in the middle of the street and crash into the very tree the wizard was asked to blow up. It blows up, as does Artie’s parents. The wizard lights a cigarette on the flaming wreckage and walks away, saying he’ll see Artie at his parents’ funeral. Turns out the wizard is Artie’s uncle and new legal guardian. Artie agrees to go with the Wizard on an adventure to the water park; the Wizard hopes this will help distract Artie from his parents’ deaths. Along the way, they pick up Frank, who has just escaped from a mental hospital. Frank introduces himself as Jesus to Artie, despite the Wizard’s constant nagging that he call himself Frank and remain undercover. Our heroes go shopping at a convenience store and when it turns out they don’t have enough money for snacks, the Wizard simply purchases a scratch-off lottery ticket which wins him just enough to pay for their purchases. Meanwhile Frank pretends to be Moses opening the automatic front doors to the store. Then they go to a bank, which is being robbed, and make it out of there with bags of cash and sandwiches using similarly ridiculous tactics. Finally they make it to the water park. They have a day of fun, ending with playing some carnival games. Artie wants to play a ring toss game at a stand run by a young, attractive woman named Sona. He fails to win a prize but gives Frank his last ring to throw. Frank, wanting to impress Sona, throws the ring haphazardly, hitting her coworker in the eye, yet somehow perpetuating a chain of events that results in not just that ring, but a barrage of rings all landing perfectly around the necks of bottles, winning him the game in spectacular fashion. The Wizards hurries them out of the park before they get caught by the secret agents tailing them. Sona follows them, curious about their powers, and joins up with the crew. It’s obvious Frank has a crush on her, but she ends up sleeping with the Wizard instead. At brunch the next day, Frank finds out about this and the Wizard and him fight about it. Meanwhile, Sona calls the secret agents chasing Frank and informs them of her location. They show up, shoot the Wizard in the chest, kidnap Sona, and threaten to kill her if Frank doesn’t come with them. Frank obliges, then they kill Sona anyway. The Wizard, however, seems perfectly fine despite being shot. The flask he carries in the breast pocket of his bathrobe ended up saving his life. The Wizard admits to Artie that he isn’t his uncle and says he should take him home, but Artie convinces him to go save Frank’s life instead. They infiltrate the evil scientist’s research facility in a series of ridiculous action sequences involving walking etiquette and rescue Frank. But, as they try to leave, they are cornered by the evil scientist, Hannah. Hannah tells Frank to come back to her, but having learned to stand up for himself, he refuses. The Wizard is about to proclaim victory when Hannah shoots him in the chest. With no flask to save him this time, he crumples to the floor. Frank gets angry and goes on a rampage, using a newfound strength to fight off a gaggle of armed soldiers while Artie talks with the dying Wizard. The Wizard tells Artie not to worry, as death is a natural part of life and thus nothing to be sad about. He dies. Frank drags Artie out of the facility before it inexplicably blows up due to an odd chain of events that was set up earlier. Frank tells Artie it’s okay to be sad because even though death is a natural part of life, being sad about death is a natural part of being human. In the final scene, Frank and Artie attend the wizard’s funeral. Not much is said. Afterwards, they talk about what they should do next and Artie suggests another adventure, with Frank choosing the destination. Frank chooses the post office, and off they go. On the other side of the street, the teenage girl from the beginning of the film is selling lemonade. She watches them walk off into the sunset and calls them a bunch of idiots. “Not idiots,” says the Wizard, who is somehow still alive. “Wizards.” He then purchases some lemonade and drinks an entire pitcher of it before walking away with his fist triumphantly raised in the air. THE END