I Need A Asript Consultant

Hi Roman,

Thanks for the reply. I just got some feedback from Errol's assistant, but we're still likely to need a consultant around the end of the month. If I were to assign it an genre, it would likely be drama, with some elements of comedy. Mostly it's a character study of Bob Nelson, the TV repairman who found himself orchestrating the first cryopreservation of a human back in 1967, as the president of the Cryonics Society of California. TV Repairman Takes on Death. As others in the society start dying off, he freezes them, even though they are underfunded. He's charismatic, and is great selling cryonics to the public on TV and Radio. He's not so great at keeping people frozen. He runs the cryonics operation like he did his TV repair shop, with a little dishonesty. He gets in over his head, and when failures start occurring he becomes secretive. At one point he has four bodies rotting in a failed capsule meant for one, while he's out optimistically selling the program. Later in the film he gets to know a little girl with cancer that he'll have to freeze. At that point he realizes the humanity in what he is doing, but by then it's too late. Her capsule fails as well. He ends up getting sued by the family members of some of those he froze. The trial is just as crazy. Bob makes a compelling character as a flawed hero. He's warm, charismatic, a big dreamer, and friendly. He makes you feel like the most important person in the room. He's also a little too ambitious. He enjoys playing the role of Mister Cryonics, but struggles to follow through with what he promises. Still, he's a sympathetic character. The story is sad, sick, funny and romantic. When Bob asked me to help him write a book about his cryonics years back in 2003, I had no idea of what I was getting myself into.

Hey Roman, the story has already been developed. It's based on the book. The first draft of the screenplay is done. Now I'm working on fixing it, since this my first screenplay. Errol's production assistant has given me some constructive notes for me to work on for now, but we're still going to hire a consultant when they get back from Mexico at the end of this month.

Hi Kaye. Errol is a true innovator. You also know a work is by him a minute into it. That's one of the main reasons we gave him the option over the others. He's also quite passionate about the story. He's already turned down the first two completed screenplays because they didn't "get it". I "get it" because I researched and co-authored the book that the film is based on. I was close friends with Bob Nelson, the protagonist, for over twenty years before he passed away. However, Errol articulates his vision for the film in a video back when he was slated to direct under Steve Zaillian. I finally got dome detailed feedback from Josh, Errol's right hand man.Unfortunately he evaluated an earlier version of the draft. That's okay. It's just a little extra work to merge the two as I go.

I'm sure that a lot of the experienced writers here have been through this. I did write based on my knowledge of the story and my intuition. I have HUGE respect for screenwriters. It's much more complexed than I thought it would be. I basically told the story visually, which I enjoyed. However, I ended up with around 250 pages. About half way through Errol and Josh had a look at it and had me take out the first seventy pages. That, of course affected the rest of the story. I've been watching scores of hours of experienced writers on Youtube. That's been a help. A lot of the feedback i got from Josh is harsh, but that's okay. He's having me slash and burn a lot of dialog, and some of the scenes. I'm about half way through with the second draft based on his notes and some areas that I se needing improvement. Before this I had it down to 147 pages. I'm confident that I can get it down under 120. His most consistent criticism is that I'm telling the story cohesively, but I'm drawing it out and making it boring. As I'm slashing, burning and rewriting, I can see it coming together much better now. It's starting to feel a little exciting. Josh and Errol are filming in Mexico this month. I should have the second draft done when they return. At that point we're going to hire a script consultant. I'm grateful to the people here that have reached out to me. I've been forwarding their information to Josh. Once I have the third draft don based on the consultation, I'm going to give it to Errol to read.My fingers, toes, and if I can manage to pull it off, my gonads will be crossed.

I learned a long time ago to listen to what your customer wants, and then follow through. Here is a link to Errol's video describing his vision for the story. I think I was able to follow through on his vision, I just hope that I executed it well enough.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GW8bdRjSlwQ

Hi Sam,

The beauty of the video is that he lays out his vision, what he wants in a screenplay. Any writer that doesn't pay close attention to this video is doomed to failure. Unfortunately, the first two writers either didn't see this, or didn't pay attention.

Lily, you're a doll! Don't worry about hurting me. After fifteen years of doing tech support for a cable and internet company, I have skin made of Kevlar. Errol's video was made when Mandate Pictures had the option with Steven Zaillian producing, and Errol directing.. They also had a screenplay penned by Zach Helm..There were some battles over parts of the screenplay, which Errol commissioned, but hated. Zaillian purchased the option and gave Errol the boot. He wanted to direct it himself. Unfortunately he held it for ten years and did nothing. Bob Nelson insisted on staying with Zaillian until he passed in 2018. When the option came up I acted as our agent. I dropped Zaillian and ended up with Errol. He hired another writer and rejected that screenplay. As I see it, the other writers got Bob wrong. In those scripts bad things kept happening to poor Bob, when in reality, Bob was his own antagonist. He had big dreams, but took shortcuts and made bad decisions. The story is about the problems that HE caused for himself. I shouldn't have used the word "vision" in describing Errol's video. I see it as describing elements that he wants to see, and I'm cognizant of those elements as I write. As for genre, I see it as a drama, with some comedic elements. I also see it as a character study. The audacity of a TV repairman taking death itself is on its own  compelling, but adding the fact that he was overly ambitious and a bit unethical turns the protagonist into a flawed hero.

You're right about Errol asking an inexperienced screenplay writer to write his screenplay. I wasn't asking to do this. My goal was to save the second screenplay by working with the writer. I wrote an alternate beginning, and rewrote the scene of Bob freezing the first man. It shocked me when he told me to do it myself. Trust me, there was a lot of self doubt involved. However, I don't think it's impossible, but it certainly isn't easy. Errol knows that I have no experience. I also told him that I have a tendency to write too much. He told me to just write it, and we can fix it later. My goal is to give him a good screenplay with whatever help I can garner. I'm nearly finished with the second draft after Josh's (Errol's assistant) suggestions, and it['s shaping up nicely. I tend to want to explain too much, which makes for too many boring segments. This time around I'm pulling a lot of weeds and getting more to the point. I don't think that's good enough, though. That's why I'm also looking for a professional consultant.

Errol has lots of sources for funding, so he might go independent with his 4th Floor Productions company. I'm mostly hoping that the strikes will end to open up more options. Getting this done, and done right means the world to me. Bob and I started writing the book twenty years ago. I've been deeply involve with it ever since. I've dedicated a third of my life to it. I also want it for Bob and his family. I'm reaching out here for professional guidance. To me that's a good way to help get things done right. Also, I have an agent, Steve Fischer at APA. He got our book published, but he specializes in film. He's volunteered to represent me when it's time to talk money, which I should have done before typing the title page. Live and learn. :)

Lily, it doesn't make sense to me, although i see the logic. TV repairmen aren't supposed to freeze people, and they're certainly not supposed to be involved in a Hollywood production, yet here I am. Sometimes I have to pinch myself. Oh, I didn't mention that i got to know Bob Nelson by fixing TV's for his shop.

Zach Helm's version leaned a bit towards comedy. The difficulty in making it a comedy is because it's rather intense, and towards the end it becomes quite emotional. The last person that Bob froze was a seven year old girl. He got to know her while she was alive, and absolutely adored her. She changes Bob's trajectory by forcing him to see the humanity in what he's doing. Before that the patients feel more like props. However, I love comedy, and there are opportunities to go there. At one point Bob and his mortician, Joe, weld open a capsule meant for one, and they manage to fit in three more before welding it shut. All of the bodies are frozen solid, so it was quite the challenge.I was struggling with how to make it work visually, so I turned to a comedic approach. I did a series of short clips as they try different positions until they all fit. In one clip we have Joe staring at the capsule, strategizing. He's standing next to one of the frozen bodies with his arm around her. It looks as thou the corps is strategizing as well. Of what Errol has read so far, that was his favorite sequence. So you're on target when you suggest some comedy.

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Thanks!

All this got started when writer/showrunner Sam Shaw did a forty minuit presentation of the story on This American Life radio show. Sam did a really great job of synopsizing the story into a compelling presentation. The show went out to five hundred stations. Shortly after it aired we started getting producers calling. It's how Errol learned of the story. Here's the link. You have to get past a seven minute prologue by Ira Glass before it starts, but it's worth the wait.

https://www.thisamericanlife.org/354/mistakes-were-made

Well, I handed the script over to Errol without the benefit of getting a consultant first. However, I did get some great feedback through swapping scripts here on the Revolution. Andy Golub was especially insightful and helpful. It still needs structural work, though. Hopefully I've delivered the tone and message that Errol wanted, and he remembers that I'm a virgin. If he wants to use it, I'm sure we'll be hiring a consultant. Wish me luck!

Thanks, Sam. You nailed it. I can handle rejection. What I don't want is to move backwards. Forward is the ticket. I'm 60 and walking around with heart failure. Bob Nelson, the subject of the film, unfortunately died in 2018, and missed seeing it tone. I want to be around when it's done. It's also a matter of getting It's also a matter of getting a story that needs to be told done and done well enough that Bob would have been pleased with.