Wed, 2023-Jun-28 06:43 (BST)
Hi!
One of the writers here inspired trying my hand at writing a Logline for my screenplay. The first draft is done, so might as well play. Any feedback would be much appreciated.
UPDATED
In the 1960's, TV repairman Robert Nelson pioneered the field of cryonics, discovering that freezing people is easy, but keeping them frozen is not.
I think that's a good overview of the premise, but you could develop it a little further the underline the conflict/ethical dilemmas, etc. 'In the 1960s, *adjective to describe Robert* TV repairman Robert Nelson becomes an unlikely pioneer...' could be a good way to highlight the hook of the protagonist. Perhaps a little indicator of the kind of conflict he's going to be facing can elevate it too.
Yeah, I have to agree with Sam. There's no conflict. Nothing that stands in Robert's way. No goal either. You probably already have all these elements, but it's not in the logline.
I'm glad that I only shared my early experiments with loglines and summaries with a small group of artist friends. It went something like this:
Me: Omg I think I just wrote the perfect logline! What do you think?
Friends: Er, it doesn't make any sense.
Me: Fffff...phooie.
I've since learned that a) loglines are only for the purpose have getting someone interested in the script which means giving everything away and b) many people don't care about loglines. The latter is unfortunate because loglines can be such a fun writing exercise. So, keep at it, have fun, and if someone appreciates your logline writing, then, wonderful.
Thank you Sam and Lily. You're right about Loglines being a fun exorcise. Of course, anything I learn from the experienced writers on this forum is huge for me. I'm going to take what Sam suggested later and post it when I'm done.
All the best, Kenneth. It's a useful exercise and one that will become easier the more drafts of the script you get through, as you'll know your story better each time. :)
I took your advise, Sam. Thank you! How's this one?
In the 1960s, ambitious TV repairman Bob Nelson becomes an unlikely pioneer in the field of cryonics, taking on underfunded patients, and discovering that freezing people is easy, keeping them frozen is not.
To let you know, a conflict is always the opposing action to the main goal. There still isn't a conflict in your logline. It reads as if you're trying too hard to be cute instead of showing the plot. That said, I do feel you're very close.
I'll give an example, off the top of my head, using a nursery rhyme.
When Jack climbs to the top of the hill to fetch a pail of water with Jill (goal) he struggles to prevent his sister from tumbling after him at the risk of breaking his crown (conflict).
Thanks, Lily. Bob (protagonist) is his own obstacle. He takes shortcuts like welding open two capsule made for one, and cramming in two or three more. He also can't say no. He freezes some of his colleagues whom are under funded. He's also very secretive about what's happening in his underground vault. At one time he had four bodies rotting in a failed capsule. He didn't tell anyone, and kept on doing radio and TV shows to sell cryonics. Eventually he lost all seven of his patients.He was found out when one of the family members of his patients, along with an attorney and a TV news anchor cut the lock an went into the vault. They sued Bob and his assistant and they won. A major part of Bob's arch is that when he meets an adorable little girl who has terminal cancer. It's her that caused Bob to realize the humanity in what he was doing. She wasn't a prop to move the operation forward. In the end he understands that his shortcuts and secrecy are what caused the end of the cryonics society and the loss of his patients. The reason I'm writing all of this that I think context matters. The logline is tough for me because Bob is his own antagonist.
Kenneth, not every element of in a script needs to be a character. Sure, context matters, but the essence is all you need for a logline.
Ebenezer Scrooge is both the protagonist and the antagonist in the classic A Christmas Carol. Ironically, Scrooge seeing the fate of Tiny Tim is what helps him to change his ways. Yes, I'm aware your script is not a Christmas story, but the similarities are there if you substitute Tiny Tim with a girl who has terminal cancer.
Hey Kenneth, I like that you referred to Bob being his own worst enemy because that can be a good element to fit into the logline. By pioneering this field, his goal is to help people, but his problem is that he's a people-pleaser. So by looking to help everybody, he's also putting them all at risk. That represents good conflict. Maybe something like:
'In the 1960s, ambitious TV repairman Bob Nelson becomes an unlikely pioneer in the field of cryonics, but his drive to help people soon leads to discovering there is no shortcut to please everyone, only the need to preserve his own humanity as well as theirs.'
I'm sorry Sam, I'm gonna have to disagree, I don't get the impression that the character is a people pleaser at all.
From what Kenneth has written so far, Bob is ambitious (flaw), uses cheap materials, cuts corners, etc (conflict), he meets a girl with terminal cancer (night be an inciting incident or just an event) who shows him the inhumanity of what he's doing, and all of this leads to...I don't know, I haven't read the script. So, to sum up, Bob is basically blinded by his ambition which causes people to die until the girl with cancer allows him to see th light, so to speak.
What did Bob do with the rotting bodies ?
To me, the simplest approach is: When [INCITING INCIDENT] happens, [OUR PROTAGONIST] decides [TO DO ACTION] against [ANTAGONIST].
When the blue-collar pioneer of cryogenics discovers that the corpses he froze are melting (or whatever the right term is) he must XXX in order to XXX
Now, not all loglines need to take that format and biopics have their own niche. Many are akin to:
The true story of Bob Nelson, a blue-collar TV repairman that pioneered cryonics only to face financial and reputational ruin because he couldn't keep the bodies frozen.
Something better than that - but you get the point...
I like what you had originally. And agree with Sam's first reply, just adding the "unlikely" to it. The conflict is that he can't keep the bodies frozen. Adding all the other fluff is making it too long. That's a no-no with loglines. David's example is great as well.
And lol Lily....your example of your friends..."I don't get it." That's the worst, ain't it?!
But if you're pitching, you can always tweak it and know what is getting requests and what's not. I think your first one but tweaking it with "unlikely pioneer" is punchy and will get the attention of those who can get it made :)
Also loglines and themes are the bain of my existence.
Lily, Bob was indeed a people pleaser, which is why he had a hard time saying no. 3 of the first 4 people he froze were members of his society. When they started dying off, the society had no facilities or capsules. He did it anyway. He kept them in a Styrofoam lined box in a mortuary garage under dry ice until the first capsule came along. He relished playing the role of Mister Cryonics. Prior to cryonics, I don't think that owning a TV repair shop fulfilled his need as a big dreamer. I worked for him at his TV shop. I wouldn't say that he was dishonest, but he took shortcuts and could BS with the best of them. He carried his way of doing business with him into the field of cryonics. I also won't go so far as to say that there was some sociopathy involved, but he seemed to look at his patients as opportunities to increase the society's, and his, prestige, until the little girl came along.
Sam's take is over the target.
'In the 1960s, ambitious TV repairman Bob Nelson becomes an unlikely pioneer in the field of cryonics, but his drive to help people soon leads to discovering there is no shortcut to please everyone, only the need to preserve his own humanity as well as theirs.'
I like the term "unlikely pioneer" alot. Also "need to preserve his own humanity as well as theirs". "Shortcut" is apt, but a little vague without context. It's so damn close! Bob took risks by cutting open sealed capsules to add more bodies than they were designed for. He had a welder open them and then weld them close. One reason for doing this was that Bob got tired of the time and expense of having to put dry ice on the bodies every week. With a capsule, you had a liquid nitrogen supply company fill it once a month. Unfortunately, the welds were inadequate to hold a strong vacuum, which caused the nitrogen to boil off too fast. The motor that pulled the vacuum also kept failing in the heat of the vault. He eventually unplugged the capsule containing four bodies, which he kept secret. When the little girl came along, even though she caused him to see the humanity in what he was doing, he opened the second capsule and put her in there with two other bodies, to tragic end. Bob truly was his own antagonist.
I may be wrong here. Perhaps the word "shortcut" is clear enough, and I'm over thinking it.Sorry for being so wordy. I love this topic so much that I can't shut up about it. This discussion is also helping me to sharpen the focus of the screenplay.
Thanks!
Cannon, my original attempt may have been a little to cute. The first screenplay, written by Zach Helm, was done before our book was even published. Zach named it Freezing People is Easy. When the publisher picked up the book, they wanted a similar name so the film would sell books. They named it Freezing People is (Not) Easy. I'm hoping to keep the name of Zach's screenplay for the same reason, even though my attempt at the screenplay is completely different than Zach's.
Kenneth, I don't blame you, it's a fascinating topic. "unlikely pioneer" is excellent, it sums up so much perfectly. I'm going to give this a shot. However, as an example only. Always use your own words.
In the 1960s, an ambitious TV repairman becomes an unlikely cryogenics pioneer but discovers that pleasing everyone threatens lives and his humanity.
I feel the fact that he took shortcuts is more of a plot point that part of a logline. There's only so much you can fit in a logline, so best to focus on the main hook, if you can.
In the 1960s, a tv repairman becomes an unlikely cryogenics pioneer but finds he does not have the scientific expertise to freeze bodies properly.
I landed on this one, at least for posting the screenplay here:
In the 1960s, ambitious TV repairman Bob Nelson becomes an unlikely pioneer in the field of cryonics, soon learning that shortcuts and secrecy make keeping people frozen NOT so easy.
Not bad at all.
I suggest a slight edit for the sake of making the logline more active, since you don't have that much space. So, using your words...
In the 1960s, ambitious TV repairman Bob Nelson becomes an unlikely pioneer in the field of cryonics and soon learns that secret shortcuts to keep people frozen are NOT so easy.
Thanks for the suggestion, Lily. I think I'm going to keek it as it is for now. Your version does hit on the secrecy and the shortcuts. However, the secrecy on it's own was a major problem. Had he not been so secretive, he may have gotten the help he needed to keep his patients going a lot longer. It also played a part in the trial afterwards in that the others in the cryonics society weren't held liable. Other than that distinction, which you wouldn't have known, your logline is very precise.
Why thank you, Kenneth. I can't take credit, of course. I was inspired by your logline.