Plume Raiders

A cuckoo tale based on true events... GENERAL PUFFIN is apoplectic when he discovers that the Titanic has sunk—along with the Crown’s invaluable cargo of exotic feathers. He and his second-in-command, ROBBINS, plot to clandestinely purchase 200 “double-fluff” ostriches from Britain’s frenemy, France. Puffin seeks out his ex-Captain, JAYMES HAWKINS, now a bedraggled mess of a man, and offers to re-enlist him if he completes the mission. Jaymes assembles a team of “experts” consisting of scrappy ornithology student MOLLY, flamboyant fashionistas FREDERICK and GRANZA, and a train wreck of a muscle man named DODO. Together they head for the rendezvous in Paris. Meanwhile, LADY STARLING, an African pirate, is on the hunt as well. She knows the value of ostrich feathers will soon skyrocket and wants to keep the profits away from the imperialist Brits. She secretly offers Robbins (a spy, and traitor to the Crown) a cut of the profits to sabotage the mission. Robbins assures her that Jaymes “will never leave Paris.” He delivers a package to Jaymes’ room—the recently stolen Mona Lisa—and calls the French police to snitch. Through the cunning use of bubble bath, Jaymes hides the masterpiece, outwits the police, and makes for the Louvre. He and Molly execute a low-tech Mission: Impossible-style reverse theft of the painting. Later, at the ostrich rendezvous point, Jaymes learns that due to a typo, France has secured only TWO ostriches not two hundred. He must pick up the remaining birds at the French black market—in Morocco. Jaymes and his crew embark on the journey, but Lady Starling and her band of pirates intercept them in an off-the-rails (literally) train-robbery scene in Gibraltar. In an attempt to thwart the mission, she absconds with what she believes is the Crown’s ostrich money, but is in fact an empty box. Infuriated, she beelines to Morocco and steals 199 ostriches before Jaymes arrives. She leaves one behind with her first mate, TIBBLES, to trick Jaymes out of the money. Jaymes falls for the ploy, and after an unsuccessful camel/motorcycle chase through a Moroccan bazaar, the baddies escape. Penniless (and nearly ostrich-less,) Jaymes and the crew scheme a Hail Mary attack on the pirate’s compound. Using a hot-air balloon, a ten-year-old street urchin, pepper bombs, and yards of tactical ostrich camouflage, Jaymes and his now tight-knit crew secure the birds and capture Lady Starling and her crew. Lady Starling confesses that she became a pirate because greedy colonists are taking everything from her Motherland. Jaymes comes to see she is a true leader with a big heart. The two captains strike a deal: he takes the ostriches and leaves the pirates alone. They shake on it, now friends. Jaymes and his crew return home to find the feather market has crashed, and the plumage now worthless. Puffin tries to weasel out of his deal—and even accuses Jaymes of high crimes and misdemeanors—but the gang exposes Robbins, tricks Puffin, and winds up with the birds AND the money. The Plume Raiders, now rich beyond their wildest dreams, sail off into the sunset. Jaymes and Molly fall in love, and together with their new friends (and 200 ostriches) they join Lady Starling, and live a rich life at sea.