The Baptist Civil War

When MINISTER FARLEY of the Springfield MA Northern Baptist Church unexpectedly passed away on Friday, the Church CHOIR DIRECTOR was in a pickle. “Now who’s going to lead church on Sunday? “ Seems a little cold hearted, but you see, the CONGRESSMAN is coming, finally, after a year’s worth of invites and the biggest donation this church has ever seen. This was the Choir Director’s big chance and he wasn’t going to blow it! After a mad dash of telephone calls, with no luck, a replacement is finally found in an unlikely place. The Southern Baptist Outreach Program can spare the REVEREND JOSEPH D. STERBED to fill in. “What??? I’ll not have some bible thumpin’, over the top, wacko shaking the fine sensibilities of this respectable and decent congregation.” But the Choir Director had no choice. It’s temporary, just a week or two, until we find a permanent replacement. Arriving in Springfield MA, the Reverend Joseph D. Sterbed is just what a Southern Baptist promises and his fire and brimstone preaching does not go over well before this uptight, white congregation. So the question is, can he still save souls, or will he be run out of town? Joseph does have a strong ally in AGATHA, the longest running member of the church but forces are against him as the congregation gossips, the Choir Director plots to have him removed and he must deal with a Buddhist MONK, squatter, of all surprises, living in the church janitor’s closet!! But Reverend Joseph D. Sterbed is a good Christian and serious about saving souls. This must be God’s test. These Northern Baptists simply don’t know the Southern style of worship. In an effort to teach them he actually picks up Hispanic day workers in front of Home Depot and places them in the pews as an example of how to interact with a Reverend, Southern Baptist style. At least now he can get an Amen, once in a while. This seems to work as each Sunday Joseph learns more about how to preach to these good people even showing some open success when young ZACH, a teenage member, declares that he has felt the spirit of God during church and is born again. But trouble is brewing as the Choir Director witnesses Joseph paying the Latinos with church funds, and the Congressman is demanding Joseph ensure people vote for him in the Primary, or else! And Monk tries to steal Agatha’s affections to acquire allies that will prevent him from getting evicted from the church. Things come to a head when Zach decides to up and run away from home. The parents blame, you know who. Joseph is redeemed when he finds Zach and presents him back to his Mother during service. But that redemption soon fades as the Mom discovers Zach spent the night in Church and she didn’t even get a call letting her know that her son was safe. Joseph held him to unveil him in church, just to show off. Joseph prays to God for guidance. He knows Zach’s Mom is right. He is ashamed of his human failings. Pressure mounts as Agatha demands more fire and brimstone, just what the congregation does not want, as the choir director reports Joseph for misappropriation of church funds and as the Southern Baptist outreach program sends Sister Joanne to MA to make sure that this is all going alright. She can See, right away, that it is not. Sister Joanne is a source of strength and comfort for Joseph, they’ve known each other for years, but the Reverend does wish she’d stop trying to flirt; he doesn’t want to be distracted from his efforts to reach these good people. Just as it seems Joseph will never reach them; things start to turn around. He gets an Amen or two during the sermon and then finds coffee hour quite crowded. This inspires and he sends a letter to the Northern Baptist Church petitioning to become their full time Reverend. We have a lighter moment as they all enjoy an afternoon church picnic. But this respite is short lived as the Congressman appears at the picnic upset that Joseph isn’t urging the congregation to vote for him. He threatens to tell the South that Joseph petitioned to join the North. They might see it as a betrayal, if it’s spun the right way. Then Monk receives an eviction notice in the mail, something Joseph set into motion when they were fighting. Becoming offended he refuses to hear the good Reverend’s apologies and retains a lawyer claiming squatters rights. After that an investigator from the North appears looking into the claim of a misappropriation of Church funds. The payments to day laborers out of the Church coffers are quickly found out. Then more bad news, the South did find the petition to the North a betrayal. The Reverend Joseph D. Sterbed is kicked out. Joseph prays hard. If he’s not a Reverend in the South and the North denies his petition for paying out of the collection plate then he’s not a Reverend anywhere! What does God want from him? Could it be to quit? Maybe Joseph’s personal ambition is preventing him for properly serving God. It could be time to give up and serve God in a different way. “You can’t give up!” Monk has overheard him praying. “You can’t give up now because Agatha is sick!” Joseph rushes to Agatha’s side to learn of a tumor on her spine. She’s terminal. Joseph gets the word out and people flock to Church on Sunday to support Agatha. Joseph leads them in prayer for her. People surround Agatha during a crowded coffee hour. But when Monk starts to comfort Agatha with notions of reincarnation Joseph gets unwound. He drags Monk aside and they have it out. She’s going to pass now, time to focus on Jesus; no time to waste on Buddhist nonsense. That picked a fight. Monk is furious. Later, when Joseph gets the call to join Agatha at the hospital, Monk overhears. He barricades Joseph in his office and steals his car. Monk is off to the hospital to be with Agatha, ensuring that Joseph won’t make it. Joseph does break free and starts for the hospital on foot. But he knows he won’t make it and he prays to God acknowledging that the situation is his fault. He made it a contest for Agatha’s affections. He proclaims, “I deserve to lose.” As he finally makes it to the hospital, the sun has set. Sister Joanne meets him at the front door and lets the Reverend know that he is too late. The family was offended that he wasn’t there, and the funeral will be with another Church. Joseph doesn’t blame them. At the Roman Catholic funeral Joseph is low key, hiding in the crowd. But, caught, the Congressman finds him. Since he just can’t seem to extort Joseph he aims for his gratitude. He has had Joseph reinstated in the Southern Baptist Church and demand that Joseph thanks him by supplying votes. Some in the congregation overhear that last part and rumors spread that the Reverend has a wicked deal with the Congressman. Joseph rejects the Congressman, but the damage is done. The rumor has already run amok. Another jolt when it is Monk who speaks to the crowd. He is remorseful. Agatha pleaded for Joseph on her death bed and Monk confesses that it is his fault that Joseph wasn’t there. He asserts that he made things a contest for Agatha’s affections. He is why Joseph couldn’t be there and he failed Agatha in her most important moment. He calls Joseph up front and makes his peace with him. The Reverend Joseph D. Sterbed speaks to the crowd and leads them in prayer. The Priest is stunned when the crowd reacts to Joseph’s words with chant backs and Amens like a Southern Baptist congregation. It took a while but clearly, he has influenced this crowd. In Church, that Sunday the Congressman attends. People just assume that this is because the Reverend and he are in cahoots. When Joseph recognizes the Congressman before the crowd it, at first, it confirms the suspicion but then Joseph starts to tell the whole story; how the Congressman bullied him when they first met and went on to demand definite votes. I’d like to personally ask each and every one of you to not vote for this man. Definite not votes, please. The Congressman is shamed and mortified. He runs out of the Church with his tail between his legs. Once gone, Joseph turns to the topic of his misuse of Church funds. He explains how it wasn’t misuse, but a quite appropriate use. “We are together in our Church, united by an overwhelming desire to bring people closer to God. That is what I was doing. The Latinos were an example of how to interact. That interaction brings a spirit of enthusiasm that asks God to come into the room.” But none the less, he reports that he will retire. People are shocked and some object. Joseph explains that he hasn’t used his position right. He wasn’t sensitive to how the Church wanted preaching. He used their money to pay people to attend Church. He wasn’t at Agatha’s side because of his arrogance. “I can’t be a Reverend now. I have more learning to do. I’m hoping that our Choir Director might lead us.” Eyebrows raise and the Choir Director stands tall. That choice was unexpected. Joseph wags his finger, teasing, “Just until the Deacon finds a replacement”. When the Choir Director accepts, Joseph is relieved, good! “Now I can get married.” Another shocker as Sister Joanne joyfully accepts. The Choir sings one of Joseph’s recommended gospel songs, but with an enthusiasm like never before in Church. After this emotionally draining sermon it’s off to coffee hour where he is offered a position preaching back home down South at his original Church. He is flattered but turns it down due to his plans to retire. Agatha’s family insists that is not what she would have wanted and Sister Joanne claims that she knows Joseph won’t be happy if he is not a Reverend. The Choir Director shouts out that the people have spoken. Then the crowd parts for the Deacon who in person accepts Joseph’s petition to be the full time Reverend of the Church. The Reverend Joseph D. Sterbed has been drafted. We end as the county sheriff arrives to exercise a writ of eviction. Joseph puts his arms around Monk, informing the cop that he no longer has a squatter. All is well here.