The Best People Are Dead by Jason Cooper | Script Revolution

The Best People Are Dead



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When Elliot dies he's not that happy that there's an afterlife. Being the only heathen in Heaven is a stretch.

When elderly curmudgeon Elliot Thirsby dies, he has no delight in the Afterlife. Being the only Heathen out of a hundred and ten billion souls wasn’t easy either; not for the ones who came into contact with him anyway.
Grieving for his wife Vanessa, being put in a nursing home, he meets Samuel Huntington who has been there since the 1700’s seeing as though he insists, he’s the first president of the United States. Through tears of frustration he cries, “I’m in a ward with ten Napoleon’s and Yasser Arafat!”

Elliot is the only person he’s met who knows the truth. That George Washington was the eleventh president and Samuel was indeed the first. As Elliot says, “The Republic was formed in 1776, Washington was inaugurated in 1789. Who do they think ran the country for thirteen years, no one?” Elliot mused further, “Seems all is not right in the Afterlife.”
Samuel's delight was short lived however as Elliot tells him that he’s going to prove that God is a fake. As Samuel says, “I say I’m the first president and they put me in here. There’s no telling what hell-hole you’re going to end up in.”
Against advice Elliot discharges himself from the nursing home and goes to Bora-Bora, a place he always promised that he’d take Vanessa but never did. Much to his disgust, Vanessa checks in with Elliot’s agent Basil who has always had the hots for her. Being on a different level of existence Elliot’s effort to beat-up Basil came to naught. Vanessa rescues the situation telling Basil tearfully, “We can’t stay here. I feel Elliot all around.” “Too fucking right!” came Elliot’s reply.
Elliot was rescued himself by a beautiful local girl, a stand-in for Running Cloud, Elliot’s missing Spirit Guide. However, she soon got tired of Elliot who kept trying to change her into Vanessa.

“I thought you in nursing home.” Running Cloud explained when he finally caught up with Elliot. A fragile soul himself, he was soon driven to drink. After one significant bender Elliot asked Running Cloud why he didn’t think himself sober as he had. “Do crime, do time.” came the reply.
Elliot asked Running Cloud, “Am I the only person who thinks God is a fake?” “In the Afterlife, yes.” was Running Cloud’s reply.
As well as trying to keep tabs on Vanessa and Basil whom it seemed were on a world tour, Elliot was actively seeking a Seeing, which is what meeting the Lord was called. “It’s for the saintly.” announced R.C. “Having killed thirty people, you are nowhere near the criteria.” “Saintly. Very convenient.” Elliot replied. “I’ll have you know; I was saving lives. Those of defenseless animals who were about to get shot by cowardly hunters.”

Also, Elliot was attempting to reconcile his separated parents. His mother was involved with a troop of Australian male striptease dancers, while his father had hooked-up with Lana Turner. Sophia, Elliot’s mother having let herself go, the Aussies were none too happy. Lamented one, “I knew that bus driver was drunk.” he said while trooping out to do another turn.
Lana who has returned to twenty-three years of age, made his father more than happy. She also took an instant like to Elliot, making his father as determined as his son that he should get to meet his maker. This was more so when unbeknownst to Elliot he saw him in bed with Lana. Elliot’s father wasn’t to know that nothing happened.
The secret lair of God - to keep unwanted visitors at bay – was known only to the saintly few; it took all of Elliot’s fathers considerable whiles to get the destination. Even so the guard at the gate wasn’t about to let him visit; yet, his conversation didn’t go unheard.
Meanwhile Running Cloud has had enough. He’s decided to give up being a spirit guide and go to sea with a collection of Thai girls for company.

It was too late for Elliot that his father found out that he didn’t sleep with Lana. Elliot was on his way to meet his maker and there was no turning him around.
In spite of not having an appointment, the guard at the gate allowed Elliot into the grounds of Gods estate and his P.A. escorted him into God’s office.
Looking remarkably like Jeff Bridges, he tried to reflect Elliot’s one question, “Are you Jehovah? Just answer and I’ll go”
God was not used to being spoken to that way. Instead of answering, He ordered afternoon tea which came at remarkable speed and was

perfect; God explained, “It’s based on Fortnum and Mason’s. In London.”
Elliot not fazed by the situation or the company; God tried to change the narrative by showing him around. As they walked through the palatial grounds, it seemed that Elliot’s singular aim and his timing was right, that indeed after nearly seven thousand years God wanted to tell the truth of how He had gotten there.
It seemed that He died at the correct moment; He was the first person who had evolved enough for the brain to work out how to survive after the body died.

When others came and saw Thadden – Gods real name – they assumed he was the Lord and treated him with all due respect. Having lived a hard life as a stonemason in ancient Egypt, being waited on and revered by others was initially too tempting to tell the truth. And after a while it became his way of life. But now he was glad to share the Ultimate Secret.
The truth revealed, being told he must go; Elliot did in fact for once do as he was told. Vanessa it seemed, living without Elliot was too much for her to bare.
At Admissions, the two had a reunion that even melted the heart of Linda, a girl straight out of the DMV.
Elliot’s next stop was to release Samuel from the nursing home, telling him that he’d found a great place for afternoon tea.

Submitted: October 30, 2019
Last Updated: October 30, 2019
Times Downloaded: 1
Last Downloaded: October 30, 2019

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The Writer: Jason Cooper

Ex pat English man, tired of the new films, longs for the days of Peter Sellers, Walter Matthau, and Jack Lemon. Subsequently, my movies harken back to the days of fun humuorous movies before CGI. Go to bio

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