Bennett III

London; a clan of vicious vampires led by the dickless three-hundred-year-old TREDHUR inducts, by bite, Korean virologist MISUK KOK, a begrudging blend of brains, brawn and beauty who unwittingly created and inoculated herself with a vampire vaccine, into the gang. To the rescue, vengeful M.I.5 AGENT JOBSWORTH stealthily aided by tech guy AGENT BAVARD and an elite police firearms squad who’ve set a trap to capture the castrated chief and his thugs racy JONKA, kinky KOMORI, pec-jiggling JICHO and fearsome FARGLOS. In brutal brawls, the coterie conquers; flees with Kok. For bungled op, Jobsworth suspended. Plan B; Jobsworth wangles a candid chat with binman and recovered 80s action-film fanatic, GORDON BENNETT living in domestic bliss with his doting wife KAREN and computergaming son RODNEY. Revealing the tramp Gordon killed was his son, he begs him for help. For the slain son’s sake, the ballsy binman, disguised as a transgender Terminator, penetrates a diverse, drug-fuelled Sapphic orgy in the flat of the massive minge-munching BATYGAL whose bulbous booty the slaughtered son rimmed before his death. Unbeknownst to Gordon under the erectile effects of inhaled drugs, Jobsworth has the vast vampiress in his gun-sight. Blowing Batygal’s brains out, her fiery soul flees from her dissolving body. Tredhur feels the spirit spurt; orders Farglos to check the flat. Gordon escapes; argues with Jobsworth over the execution which Farglos eavesdrops. Tredhur orders the assassins to be brought before him. Overhearing the kidnapping of Karen and Rodney, as Gordon pops to the shop, Bavard alerts Jobsworth who rushes to Gordon’s house; finds him mourning and holding a note with a cell number on it. In a rancorous row, Jobsworth admits the clan are vampires; Gordon reveals he recorded the agent’s prior plea forcing him to help Gordon lest his bosses learn of the events. Calling the number, a meeting’s arranged. Using Misuk and Karen, now also in a vampiric coma, as bait for Jobsworth and Gordon, Jicho lurks dying to kill, and return with the Doc. In a frantic fight, Gordon rescues Karen and Kok, Jicho is slain and Jobsworth badly wounded. At the church of St. Coitus administered by the pocket-sized parish priest FATHER RAUL CHINGADO-PAJERO, Jobsworth, infected with Jicho’s blood is shot by Bavard. In a vivid dream inspired by the alien telepath KHAL, the way to save his family’s revealed. He must recycle his former 80s action-hero obsession as a force for good. He wakes ready for action. Misuk’s awake: her vaccine victorious. Bavard reveals cock-cropped’s plan to transmigrate his soul into Rodney’s body. Father Pajero recounts the terrifying tale of Tredhur’s quest for immortality by eating infected bats in a cave, and instructs Gordon to save his polluted soul. Tredhur returns to the cave. Bavard, imitating Jobsworth, calls in favours. On board a fast jet, prepped to parachute down to the cave, Misuk, feeling Tredhur’s hatred for Gordon in her soul tries to kill the bold binman who flips her out the plane; follows close behind. Back in sway, she and Gordon save the vamparinas. Misuk inoculates bats by letting them devour her. Ramming a blessed silver cross into his heart, Gordon saves Farglos’s soul. Tredhur mutates into a monstrous bat-like form; bites Gordon; collapses into a haemorrhaging heap as a result of Gordon’s antibodies to the zombie virus. Saving Tredhur’s soul with holy water, Gordon saves Rodney and Misuk. With Jobsworth’ posthumous cheque, Gordon resigns as a binman.