No Weddings, But A Funeral

Tim Harcourt’s casual attitude to life, coupled with a typical non-attention to details, causes him to arrive at the wrong funeral. Right place – wrong time. As yet unaware of his latest error, he looks around the church, searching for familiar faces. He finds one – a former fiancé of his, Caroline. She is far from pleased to see him when he sits down next to her, as the last time they shared a space was when he walked out on her seven years previously, the morning after their engagement party. She gives him a good scolding, which Tim takes in his stride. Following a weak apology, Tim casually boasts to Caroline that he now owns an amusement arcade in South London and has changed. He is now a responsible, thoughtful adult. This declaration is quickly proved to be one of his flights of fantasy when he reveals to Caroline a text message from the latest in the line of finances – that he had better not let her down by not turning up to her uncle’s funeral, otherwise, it’s the end for them. Although the venue is correct, the funeral he promised he’d attend was two hours earlier. The funeral is for Archie - who headed a family-run protection racket and who was well-known to Caroline. Tim, unaware of Archie’s past, stands up to leave just as the vicar asks if anyone would like to say a few words about the deceased. Unwittingly, he has volunteered himself and, in front of the entire congregation, manages to blag his way through a ‘heartfelt and generous’ obituary and receives unspoken acceptance from Marilyn, the grieving widow, although not from Kenny, the son from a previous marriage who looks unimpressed. Tim walks back to his seat. Caroline sneakily slips her mobile phone into her handbag. Kenny soon appears also with a phone in his hand and is very friendly to Caroline, who later explains to Tim who Archie really was and how close she was to the family. When asked by Kenny if he is coming back to the house after the funeral, Tim’s bravado disappears, and he clumsily lies that he has to leave after the service to drive back to the printing firm he runs in Scotland. Concluding the burial, Tim is about to leave when he is called over by Marilyn and introduced to other members of the family, including Archie’s daughter (by another marriage), Jen. Jen immediately appears to take a fancy to Tim and when the rest of the mourners disperse, Jen makes no secret of her interest. She manages to get Tim to divulge his real business and asks him out on a date, which the very recently unattached Tim gladly accepts before leaving the church grounds with a huge smile on his face. He thinks he has, once again, landed on his feet. Jen re-joins the mourners and explains, as her later father told her, that funerals are the best place for networking. Marilyn, Caroline and the previously po-faced Kenny begin to laugh. Their plan has worked well. She thanks Caroline, who is delighted that after seven years, she finally has her revenge on the so far ignorant but hapless Tim.