Hollywood By Hearse

Joey Santora and his best friend Paulie couldn’t be more different. At 18-years-old, Joey has caught the eye of many teenage girls and the Varsity football coach. Paulie, on the other hand, is a junk food junkie who’s obsessed with showtunes. Probably the only thing that the two do have in common is their fear of being stuck in Buffalo for the rest of their lives. Still, Paulie dreams of moving to Hollywood after graduation to star in the movies like his cousin Judy… He just has to find a way there. Joey too, has a dream, of playing college football. But when he loses out on a college scholarship to one of his peers, he escapes his mundane life of being a pizza delivery boy at his parent’s restaurant by driving to Hollywood with Paulie in a retro hearse that was given to him by his eccentric aunt as a graduation present. Along their travels, the hearse runs out of gas somewhere in Reno, and the boys enter a rundown dive bar in search of a trucker who’ll loan them some gas. The star headliner at the bar is an old-time magician named Max Idol, who overhears Joey and Paulie telling a trucker that they’re heading to Hollywood. Longing to perform again at The Magic Castle, Max sneaks in the back of the hearse and hides inside a casket that has been converted into a makeshift cooler. Once back on the road, Joey and Paulie see Max pop up from the casket, which scares the living bejesus out of them. Max befriends the boys, and they stay at his rundown Hollywood apartment, where Joey finds old articles and pictures of Max posing with legends like Elvis, The Rat Pack and Houdini. Shortly after their arrival, Max’s smarmy, nickel-and-dime agent, Monty Price, shows up and tells Max he’s booked him at a different dive bar on the outskirts of Vegas. Joey advises Monty that Max deserves to play better gigs, and offers to become his new manager. Monty is quick to pass the baton, shocking Joey with the news that Max owes him 20 grand. Monty demands the money in one week, “or else.” It’s an idle threat, but to make it seem more threatening, Monty hires a couple of thug actors to spray Max’s apartment with blanks while the boys are inside. Scrambling to find Max work and come up with the money, Joey and Paulie visit Paulie’s cousin, Judy, in The Valley, hoping she has connections in the movie business. To their surprise, Judy is shooting a porno in her apartment. There’s not enough Viagra in the world to land Max a job in Judy’s profession! Later, Paulie is offended by Joey’s remark that Judy is a Putona. Paulie hops out of the hearse and disappears amongst a throng of tourists along Hollywood Boulevard. At the same time, Joey sees Max’s neighbor, Morgan, a beautiful woman in her early twenties, working as a Marilyn Monroe impersonator outside of Mann’s Theatre. Joey has encountered her before and is smitten by her presence, but not as smitten as Paulie is when, while hitchhiking back to Judy’s, he’s picked up by Hollywood icon… Angelyne! Later that night, Joey stalks Morgan from afar, and sees Monty pick her up in his beat-up caddy convertible. Curiously, Joey follows them in the hearse to a bar in Silverlake, where he questions the bartender about Monty. Joey learns of Monty’s shady past, and wonders what someone like Morgan is doing with him. Meanwhile, Paulie is at Angelyne’s apartment preparing to lose his virginity. As Angelyne showers, Paulie fixes a drink at the bar when the front door kicks open. Paulie drops to his knees behind the bar, and cautiously peeks around the corner seeing two men, donning a Darth Vader and Spiderman mask, enter the bathroom and shoot Angelyne dead. When Joey returns to Max’s apartment, a panic-stricken Paulie tells him what happened, and they return to Angelyne’s apartment. Joey attempts to call the police, but fearful of being accused of a murder he didn’t commit, Paulie coaxes Joey into hiding Angelyne’s corpse in the hearse’s casket until they track down the real killers. Mayhem ensues, as Joey and Paulie become the target of several killers in what could best be described as “Weekend At Bernie’s” meets “Dumb And Dumber,” with an ending that leaves the movie wide open for a sequel titled: “Vegas By Hearse.”