Fantastical Voyage

Fantastic Voyage without Raquel Welch in a tight fitting space suit. Biden is rushed to the hospital, having been exposed to the Trump Covid variant. It attacks the frontal and temporal lobes of the brain, wiping out your ability to distinguish truth from falsity, as well as any empathy you might have for others. The only way to stop it is to insert a miniaturized vehicle into his body to construct a wall within his brain. But that process is expensive.

First stop, Congress to see if they'll pay for it. Progessives oppose any construction of a wall, despite the fact that the BLM (Biden Lacks Momentum) movement is on board. So on to Joe Manchin's subcommittee: Designated Officials Operating for the United States (otherwise known as the DOOFUS committee). Despite a clever maneuver to obtain bipartisan support, Ted Cruz derails it by filing a successful emergency petition before the Supreme Court. The Court holds that the virus has a Second Amendment right to protect itself.

So the project will need private support. For various reasons, Google is out, along with Apple and Meta. That leaves Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk to battle it out, with Bezos eventually winning. He wants to include a private citizen on the crew, but neither Aaron Rodgers nor Novak Djokovic is eligible as they are not vaccinated. So Bezos goes instead, along with a female pilot, Susan Rice, Roberta (LNU), and Rocky (we couldn't really deep six the Raquel Welch part). The operation is overseen by Dr. Fauci and a meddlesome Rand Paul.

Obstacles to success abound: a blocked artery, an air leak, an attack of Spiky protein molecules from the Delta variant, a convoluted trip through Biden's jumbled vocal cords, attempts at sabotage by one crew member, and Rand Paul's attempt to commandeer equipment for fund raising. The saboteur is Roberta, who turns out to be Robert Kennedy, Jr., in disguise. The anti-vax activist is foiled, not by the crew, but by white corpuscles attacking the ship as it begins to grow.

The crew's mission is a success, however, as Biden awakes tearfully explaining his desire to help other Americans. This allows the team to exit his body via his tear duct.

But, alas, the variant is still out there.