The Unlikely Pensioner

THE UNLIKELY PENSIONER In a pub Pete the pensioner (60) informs his two friends Frank and John (early fifties) he’s moving into a sheltered housing scheme. He arrives at the sheltered housing scheme in a red sports car. The scheme has 14 female and 11 male residents, Pete starts some exercise classes for the residents. Pete and Melissa(45) the manager go out for a meal, and a romance begins. After five months the change in the residents is staggering, they are all slim and trim, and all dress in the latest fashions, with not a walking frame or stick in site. Next Pete suggests they hold a coffin and coffee morning. His friends Frank and John are undertakers. In the lounge twelve coffins/caskets are on display, Frank and John are on hand to explain about being burnt or buried. The pensioners can also take out a funeral plan. At the next coffee morning it’s decided to go to a disco. At the disco their dance routines show up the young ones. On a slow one Tom(91) is with Sky(20) and Debbie(64) is with Troy(20) All the other pensioners are also with someone a fraction of their age. Pete decides to hold a scooter race as a motor race in the grounds of the sheltered housing scheme. Pete next organizes a striptease show, four male strippers for the ladies, and three female strippers for the men. The striptease nights are seen as alternating. Melissa next announces the annual trip to the seaside. They would normally fall a sleep in a deck chair after lunch. This time Pete leads them over to the fun fair, they go on all the rides. That night Pete proposes to Melissa. They announce their engagement at morning coffee. In the evening there are drinks and a buffet. The following day Pete announces a swinging sixties night. The pensioners all don fifty’s and sixty’s clothing for the event. Golden oldie records play chosen from a hired jukebox. The next event is a sex toy fair, the lounge is lined both sides with life like dolls. Female on one side, and Male on the other, and every kind of sex toy available. The following day Pete is putting up the Christmas decorations for the Christmas lunch. The lunch is held with the traditional meal along with the pulling of crackers. Everyone also has on a Christmas hat or dressed as Santa clause. The following week the traditional new years party takes place, with the singing of auld Langsyne. In the new year Pete and Melissa get married in a small church, with just the pensioners for guests. Frank is the best man, and John walks Melissa up the isle. After the reception John and Melissa drive off in Pete’s red sports car, with a just married sign on it, an L plate, and some tin cans.